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The Bible According to Spike Milligan

From Spike Milligan – “The Bible According to Spike Milligan -Old Testament” (Penguin; London 1993. pp 1-2)



In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.

And darkness was upon the face of the deep; this was due to a malfunction at the Lots Road Power Station.

And God said, Let there be light; and there was light, but Eastern Electricity Board said that He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

And God saw the light and it was good; He saw the quarterly bill and that was not good.

And God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night, and so passed his G C S E.

And God said, Let there be a firmament and God called the firmament heaven, Freephone 999.

And God said, Let the waters be gathered together unto one place, and let the dry land appear, and in London it went on the market at six hundred pounds a square foot.

And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, and the earth brought forth grass and the Rastafarians smoked it.

And God said, Let there be lights in heaven to give light to the earth, and it was so, except over England where there was heavy cloud and snow on high ground.

And God said, Let the seas bring forth that that hath life, flooding the market with fish fingers, fish-burgers and grade three salmon.

And God blessed them, saying, Be fruitful, multiply, and fill the sea, and let fowl multiply on earth where Prince Charles and Prince Philip would shoot them.

And God said, Let the earth bring forth cattle and creeping things, and there came cows, and the BBC Board of Governors.

And God said, Let us make man in our own image, but woe many came out like Spitting Image.

And He said, Let man have dominion over fish, fowl, cattle and every creepy thing that creeepeth upon the earth.

And God said, Behold, I have given you the first of free yeilding seed, to you this shall be meat, but to the EC it will be Beef Mountain.


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