Two fish swim in to a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says ‘Dam’.

A peanut walks into a police station to make a complaint claiming he was a salted.

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ‘I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything’.

A sandwich walks into a bar, The barman says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food in here’.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, ‘A beer please, and one for the road’.

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn’t much but the reception was brilliant.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, ‘Does this taste funny to you ?’

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron’.
The other says, ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive’.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and bet him 50 bucks he couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf. He said ‘No, the steaks are too high’.

What do you call a fish with no eyes ? A fsh!

Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, ‘I’ll man the guns, you drive’.

You know I’m against hunting, in fact I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and SHOOT the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and asked, ‘Did you get my drift?’

I went to the supermarket and said, ‘I want to make a complaint, this vinegar’s got lumps in it’. The man replied, ‘Those are picked onions’.

I said to the train driver, ‘I want to go to Paris’. He asked ‘Eurostar?’ I replied, ‘I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin’.

I said to the Gym instructor ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’
He asked ‘How flexible are you?’ I replied, ‘I can’t come on Tuesdays’.

I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything else, trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

I’m in a great mood today. The other day I entered a competition and won a year’s supply of Vegemite – one jar.

I answered the phone the other day and a fellow says to me, ‘Can I come to your house and talk about your carpets?’ I thought, ‘That’s all I need, A Je-oover’s Witness’.

My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he’s a catholic converter.

I rang Telecom the other day and said, ‘I want to report a nuisance caller’. She replied, ‘Oh no, not you again’.

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and on the table was a check tablecloth. It took him 2 hours to pass me the salt.

Garry said, ‘You remind me of a pepper pot?’, I said ‘I’ll take that as a condiment’.

Did you know that all tennis players are witches? E.g. Goran, even he’s a witch.

I have a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags, he’s bisatchel.

When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, ‘Are you two an item?’

When I saw a lorry load of tortoises crash into a train load of terrapins, I thought ‘That’s a turtle disaster’.

Four fonts walked into a bar and the barman shouted, ‘Get out, we don’t want your type in here’.

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walked into a bar. The barman asked, ‘Is this some kind of a joke?’

A three-legged dog walked into a saloon in the Old West. He said to the bartender, ‘I’m looking for the man who shot my paw’.

A man entered the local newspaper’s pun contest. He sent in three different puns in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.