The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
– George Burns

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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
– Victor Borge

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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
– Mark Twain

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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
– Socrates

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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
– Groucho Marx

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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
– Jimmy Durante

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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
– Zsa Zsa Gabor

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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
– Alex Levine

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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery,  people would stop dying.

– Rodney Dangerfield

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Money can’t buy you happiness … But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery

– Spike Milligan

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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was  “SHUT UP”.
– Joe Namath

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I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until  noon.

Then it’s time for my nap.

– Bob Hope

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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
– Will Rogers

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Don’t worry about avoiding temptation.

As you grow older, it will avoid you.
– Winston Churchill

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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
– Phyllis Diller

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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,

he’s too old to go anywhere.

– Billy Crystal

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And the cardiologist’s diet:   If it tastes good, spit it out!