TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

PUPILS: A teacher.

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A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate.

“No,” the doctor said. “I did not check his pulse.”

“And did you listen for a heartbeat?” asked the lawyer.

“No I did not,” the doctor said.

“So,” said the lawyer, “when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead.”

The doctor said, “Well, let me put it this way. The man’s brain was in a jar on my desk but,

for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere.”

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TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?

SARAH: “HIJKLMNO”!

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

SARAH: Yesterday you said its H to O!

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Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live together. One night the 96-year-0ld draws a bath.

She puts one foot in and pauses. “Was I getting in the tub or out?” she yells.

The 94-year-old hollers back, “I don’t know, I’ll come up to see.” She starts up the stairs and stops.

She shouts, “Was I going up or going down?”

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters.

She shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful”, and knocks on wood for good measure.

Then she yells, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”

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Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn ¢â‚¬â„¢t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are,

the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae.

The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Pettry amzanig huh?

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Frank was madly in love with Susan, but couldn ¢â‚¬â„¢t get up enough courage to pop the question face to face.

Finally he decided to ask her on the telephone.  ¢â‚¬Å“Darling! He blurted out,  ¢â‚¬Å“Will you marry me? ¢â‚¬ 

 ¢â‚¬Å“Of course, I will, you silly boy, ¢â‚¬  she replied,  ¢â‚¬Å“Who ¢â‚¬â„¢s speaking? ¢â‚¬ 

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~~

I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, “So which six items would you like to buy?”

Wouldn’t it be great if that happened more often?

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The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would “hate” to have to make a living under the laws they’ve passed.  

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All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom, the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.
As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.  

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Smith climbs to the top of  Mt.  Sinai  to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord. “God, what does a million years mean to you?”
The Lord replies, “A minute.”
Smith asks, “And what does a million dollars mean to you?”
The Lord replies, “A penny.”
Smith asks, “Can I have a penny?”
The Lord replies, “In a minute.”

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A man goes to a shrink and says, “Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes toLarry’s  bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy. What do you think I should do?”
“Relax,” says the Doctor, “take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is  Larry’s  bar?”

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John was on his  deathbed  and gasped pitifully, “Give me one last request, dear,” he said.
“Of course, John,” his wife said softly.
“Six months after I die,” he said, “I want you to marry Bob.”
“But I thought you hated Bob,” she said..

With his last breath John said, “I do!”  

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A man goes to see the  Rabbi. ‘

“Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I  have to talk to you about it.”

The  Rabbi  asked, “What’s wrong?”

The man replied, “My wife is poisoning me.”

The  Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, “How can that be?”

The man then pleads, “I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me,  what should I do?”

The  Rabbi  then offers, “Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”

A week later the  Rabbi  calls the man and says, “I spoke to  her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?”

The man said, “Yes” and the  Rabbi  replied, “Take the poison.”