1. What have you got to be sad about?

Maybe nothing at all. Maybe you have a great life, a home, a car, beautiful children, a fantastic social life. Maybe you have some or none of those. It makes absolutely no difference. Depression isn’t fussy, it takes who it takes and telling someone they have nothing to be upset about can make them feel even worse, because they KNOW that and now feel guilty for something that is out of their control.

2. You should exercise. Exercise will fix you.

No one is going to argue that exercise isn’t really helpful when you’re fighting off the black dog, but it won’t ‘fix’ anything. And it is especially irritating to hear when you are running 35km a week already. Ask me how I know.

3. My friend took {insert supplement here} and it sorted them right out.

You need to eat better / get outdoors more / have some acupuncture / etc.

That is fantastic for your friend. Great news. Bully for them.

I can only speak for myself, but before I finally dragged myself to the GP I took every supplement known to man. I went outside a lot. I mostly forgot to eat. Nothing helped. And it made me feel worse that I couldn’t fix myself without medical help. Even more of a failure.

When natural means work then that is indeed to be celebrated. But when they don’t people need to know that medication and/or counseling are good options too. Without judgement. You’d not tell a diabetic not to take their insulin, depression is another chemical imbalance that sometimes require medical treatment.

4. I had a really bad time once. I know exactly how you feel.

Maybe. It’s possible. Or maybe you had the blues for a few days, which is nothing like the soul sucking bleakness of full blown depression. It just isn’t.

Your empathy is appreciated (or will be in time) but it isn’t a competition. Please don’t turn it into one.

5. Aren’t you over that yet?

No. I didn’t know there was a time limit. Thanks for making me feel like a freak for not complying to some unknown generic timeframe that you have decided is appropriate.

~~

Three really helpful things that have been said to me:

1. I’m here.

Mean it. Maybe physically here, maybe available online… Here without judgement however you need me. I care about you.

2. How can I help?

Maybe you can’t. Maybe I can’t tell you what I need. But knowing you are willing to help tells me you value me.

3. Are you okay?

If you are willing to listen to an honest answer and want to find ways to support me, ask away.

If you’re looking for a ‘fine thanks’ even though you KNOW that is not the case, please don’t ask. It demeans both of us.

My experience is my own and no one else’s (obviously) so I can only speak from that. But I know experiencing myself what I knew so well from the outside changed the way I talk and think about depression. It’s not what I thought it was and I hope not to experience it again, but if I do I will be far better prepared.

Are you okay?

Kate Says Stuff is an ever-evolving entity, much like Kate herself. She blogs about life with children on the spectrum, family, fun and fitness. She has won many awards for her blog (if we count emails from her mum) and frequently skydives with her Supertrucker husband, finding that throwing herself out of planes is less painful than cooking dinner for four children. She can often be found perched at the top of her closet, sneaking chocolate while no one is looking. Not all of this bio is true, but her blog posts always are.