[MARCH 1997]

The Seven Deadly Sins of Gilligan’s Island theory
is quite simple. Each of the seven characters on the island represents
each of the seven deadly sins. Now, this theory seems to fit upon
initial inspection, there are technical difficulties when you
get down to THE MAN himself, Gilligan.

Run with me on this one…

Most obvious is the Professor, who fits PRIDE to
a T. Any man who can make a ham radio out of some wire and two
coconuts has to be pretty cocky. (His character was later revised
and given a series of his own, called MacGuyver".)

For the sin of ENVY we need look no further than
Maryann, who may have worn those skimpy little tops, but could
never achieve Ginger’s glamour. (As an interesting and completely
irrelevant side note, a nationwide survey of college students
a few years ago revealed that the professor and Maryann were voted
the most likely couple to have ‘done it’ on the island.)

And who could doubt for a moment that Ginger is LUST
incarnate? Sure, the kids were supposed to think she was ACTING,
but we all know what being deprived episode after episode was
doing to her. You know and I know that glazed look wasn’t boredom,
my friends.

What kind of person takes a trunk full of money on
a three-hour cruise? Mr Howell gets my vote for GREED.

We are now left with three characters and three Deadly
Sins. We have Gilligan, the Skipper and Mrs Howell to whom we
must match GLUTTONY, SLOTH and ANGER. As you can see, there is
a Gilligan problem here.

Certainly we can further eliminate Mrs Howell from
this equation by connecting her with SLOTH. She did jack shit
during her many years on the island and everybody knows it.

This leaves ANGER and GLUTTONY, either of which the
Skipper had no shortage. He was, after all, a big guy with the
tendency to hit Gilligan with his hat at least once an episode.
After much consideration, I have decided that he can easily do
double-duty, covering the two remaining Deadly Sins.

So here we have the Seven Deadly Sins trapped in
an endlessly recurring Hell of hope followed by denial and despair,
forced to live with each other in our TVs until the last re-run
ends. And who is their captor? What keeps them trapped there?

Gilligan.

Gilligan has to be the devil then …. think about
it.

…

THE STORY OF CREATION or THE MYTH OF URK

In the beginning there was data. The data was without
form and null, and darkness was upon the face of the console;
and the Spirit of IBM was moving over the face of the market.
And DEC said, "Let there be registers"; and there were
registers. And DEC saw that they carried; and DEC separated the
data from the instructions. DEC called the data Stack, and the
instructions they called Code. And there was evening and there
was morning, one interrupt…

…

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a
sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the
waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts,
"Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you
didn’t pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey
man, I’m a PANDA! Look it up!"

The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following
definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian
origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats
shoots and leaves".

…..

Their hymns:

Astronaut – "Nearer My God, to Thee" Baker
– "I Need Thee Every Hour" Baseball batter – "Seek
Thee First" Builder – "How Firm a Foundation" Canoeist
– "Flow River, Flow" Dentist – "Crown Him with
Many Crowns" Electrician – "O Joyful Light" Fisherman
– "Shall We Gather at the River?" Gossip – "It
Is No Secret" IRS – "All to Thee" (I Owe) Jogger
– "The Path of Life" Lifeguard – "Come to the Water"
Sailboater – "Deep River" Stonecutter – "Rock of
Ages" Watchman – "Silent Night" Weatherman – "There
Shall Be Showers of Blessings"

…..

GOOD HUMOR – BAD ADS

2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect
markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like
one of the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly
served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special — Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25;
Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with
thick legs and large drawers.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique
lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and
get an extra pair to take home, too.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators
in factory.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce
at night.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do
it carefully by hand.

For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

For Sale — Eight puppies from a German Shepperd
and an Alaskan Hussy.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in
beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the
Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates.
Automatically burns toast.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so
serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month.
References required.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing
to travel.

UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here
first!

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find
person.

Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke
or drink.

3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience
preferred.

Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced
yard, meals, and smacks included.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try
us once, you’ll never go anywhere again.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head
illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires
person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable
of contributing to growth of family.

And now, the Superstore–unequaled in size, unmatched
in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension
in your home for $1.00.

…..

Some more chicken/ road speculations crossed my mind
while I was supposed to be PhD-writing (Haig, don’t read this).
A few more comments from an eclectic array of the world’s great
minds. For those who missed my earlier attempts first time around,
I’ve appended those as well … TOM WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS
THE ROAD? TONY ABBOTT: Tragically, the chicken was driven to cross
the road by the hubris of Prime Minister Paul Keating. JOHN CALVIN:
What! – that thou, impudent mortal, shouldst spurn and account
so little the sovereign will of God, as to ascribe unto the act
of His creature, the common fowl of the yard, any other cause
or antecedent motive soever, but that which was by the mighty
outworking of His foreknowledge, will and decree eternally preordained?
KARL POPPER: We can never prove with absolute certainty any truth-claim
about the chicken’s motive. However, we CAN scientifically refute
several alternative explanations. (Plato’s and Hegel’s explanations
are tragically wrong). LAURIE KAVANAGH: Cripes! Poor bloody chook.
Can’t even cross a road these days without the noisy minorities
getting stuck into it! Well, I reckon all fair dinkum Aussies
would sympathise so much with that poor bird, it just goes to
show that anyone who whinges about the Howard Budget ought to
be locked away as a bloody socialist trouble-maker. PS: It is
not widely known that COURIER-MAIL scientists have recently succeeded
in cloning an alternative version of our favourite columnist.
Code-named "Laurie Decaffeinagh", this genetically-
modified version writes mellow, laid-back columns along the following
lines: "Sure, so the world’s changed since I was a kid in
the fifties, but that’s life and it’s up to me to get used to
it. And there’s so many things that I meself like to complain
about, how could I really blame the blacks, the greens, the gays
and the feminists for complaining about things that annoy them?
I mean, fair go! Strewth! We’ve all got to learn to live alongside
each other…" LIAM AND NOEL GALLAGHER: Ee, lad, noo doobt
to re-enact yon scene off the ABBEY ROAD album coover. JEREMY
BENTHAM: For the chicken to cross the road, to traverse and navigate
the span of the public thoroughfare, may upon the basis of utility
properly be said to have of the Intitulative causes, two; and
of the De-Ratiocinated causes, three. Of the former causes, the
Intitulative, may three further sub-types or genera be discerned,
namely… RONALD DWORKIN: Any decision by a chicken to exercise
its traversative rights and make its own road-crossing choices
must be upheld by any rights-based thesis of law as integrity.
For the state or any public actor to inquire into the chicken’s
motivations would be profoundly violative of its constitutive
normative entitlement to equal concern and respect. JOHN HARTELY:
We figure something’s sure going on here, if chickens go crossing
roads, and it doesn’t take a genius to smell a rat with that –
to guess that something must be pretty damn wrong with this side
of the road when even the chickens start leaving it. Do chickens
therefore constitute some kind of discrete and insular minority
on this side of the highway, so much that they prefer to exercise
an "exit" rather than a "voice" option? While
no one can say for sure, it seems highly likely so… JOHN RAWLS:
Why did the chicken move away from its original position to a
more Pareto-optional locale? That is a question which classical
Utilitarianism cannot answer. Instead, it is a question that can
only be answered by a representative assembly of chickens called
upon to draw up constitutive principles of road-crossing behind
a veil of ignorance… P P MCGUINNESS: It is of course plainly
obvious to any intelligent individual that the chicken has been
brainwashed by trendy Victorian school-teachers. JOHN FINNIS:
Chicken, by virtue of its nature as a rational creature, is possessed
of certain intrinsic desires and faculties, which conjointly render
it capable of ordering both the intention and the proximate result
of its actions toward the crossing of roads. F A HAYEK: The chicken
opted to pursue the rationalist mirage, which enticed it to cross
the road to serfdom. MEATLOAF: Refer to lines 675 to 831 of "WHY
THE CHICKEN CROSSED THAT GODDAMN ROAD (AND WHY I RAN IT OVER WITH
MY HARLEY AS I WENT BURNING DOWN THE HIGHWAY LIKE AN ANGEL ON
FIRE, BECAUSE MY GIRL SHE LEFT ME, OH YEAH)" (copyright 1978
by Jim Steinman). AMANDA VANSTONE: I don’t know, because I’m not
a very smart person. But even though we’ve increased the interest
rates on the Road Crossing Cooperative Contribution Scheme, introduced
differential rates of contribution fees, and cut back on road
building funds, I still don’t see how that would discourage chickens
from continuing to cross roads.

…..

One of my favorites hymns says "I sing a song
of the saints of God: faithful, and loyal and true". It doe
snot say successful. We are saints by baptism and God’s grace.

I couldn’t resist. St Egregious has been on the back
burner for a while. Time to enter the fray:

Doe snot. (Noun) A term used by deer hunters and
their wives. (spouses? Who are we kidding, This is rural Alberta).
It is an expletive said upon a shot hitting a perfectly good dog
or a neighbour’s pickup truck. (e.g. Doe snot! I winged Bill’s
new Dodge. Knocked the dice clean off the rear view mirror.) The
image is that of aiming at something and doing unintended collateral
damage, to borrow a military euphemism. It is sometimes used by
clergy to indicate sermons in which the wrong people get mad,
or in which they unintentionally refer to a close relative of
a big donor in an unflaterring manner. (Bob Dole is your cousin?
Doe snot! I meant to say he’s too BOLD!)

It’s good to be back.

Keith Denman

…..

Clinton, Deng Xiou Pung (?) and Bill Gates are snatched
up to heaven where God says "I’ve chosen you as the three
most powerful leaders in the world, tell your people to make themselves
ready, because in three days I am going to bring about the end
of the world!" Back on earth the leaders arrange to address
their people. Bill Clinton says: "I’ve got good news and
bad news. The good news is that God _does_ exist. The bad news
is that you have only three days to prepare for the end of the
world." Deng Xiou Pung (?) says: "I’ve got bad news
and worse news. The bad news is that we were wrong, God _does_
exist. The worse news is that we have only three days to make
restitution before the end of the world." Bill Gates says:
"I’ve got bad news and good news. The bad news is that we
now know for sure that I’m not God. The good news is that we don’t
have to worry about Netscape any more."

….

FOOTBALL CHRISTIANITY

Quarterback Sneak: Quietly leaving immediately following
the sermon.

Draft Choice: Selection of a seat near the door.

Draw Play: What many children (and a few adults)
do with their bulletins.

Benchwarmer: One whose only participation is a physical
presence at church on Sunday.

Fumble: Dropping a hymnal, singing the wrong verse,
and general inattention.

Backfield in Motion: Making two or three trips out
of the church during the sermon.

Stay in the Pocket: What happens to a lot of money
that should go to the missions.

Sudden Death: What happens to the minister who preaches
too long.

Blitz: The stampede for the door after the service.

The Anglican Digest

…..

ANNOUNCEMENTS FROM REAL CHURCH BULLETINS

Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an Ice Cream Social.
Ladies giving milk please come early.

The Ladies’ Liturgical Society will meet on Wednesday.
Mrs. Johnson will sing Put Me in My Little Bed accompanied by
Pastor Bradley.

The memorial service will begin with a choral rendition
of Amazing Grave

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of
every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

The preacher for each of the next four Sundays will
be found hanging on the notice board in the narthex.

The Young People’s Fellowship will be entertained
at tonight’s meeting by the Rhyme-Tymers, a local rape group.

The new loudspeaker system is the gift of Dr. Charles
Smith in memory of his wife.

The rosebud on the altar this morning is in honor
of the birth of David Alan Belser, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Belser.

Last evening’s parish pot-luck supper was like Heaven!
Many we expected to see there were absent.