A Queensland Radio Station, QFM, were running a competition to find
contestants who could come up with words that were not found in any
English Dictionary yet could still use these words in a sentence that
would make logical sense, the prize being a return trip for two to Bali
for a week. The DJ, Sam, had many callers, the following two standing
out:

DJ : QFM, what’s your name?
Caller: Hi me name’s
Dave.
DJ: Dave, what is your word?
Caller: Gaan spelt G A A
N
DJ: We are just checking that (pause) and you are correct, Dave,
Gaan is certainly a word not found in the English Dictionary. Now the
next question, for a trip for two to Bali, is, what sentence can you use
that in that would make logical sense?
Caller: Hi! How’s it
Gaan?
At this point the DJ advises, (after some chuckling), that
although this sentence did make logical sense, it still had to be a real
word and not a made up one.
After many more unsuccessful calls the
DJ takes the following caller:
DJ: QFM, what’s your name?
Caller: Hi me name’s Jeff.
DJ: Jeff ,what is your word?
Caller:
Smee spelt S M E E
DJ: We are just checking that (pause) and you
are> correct, Jeff, Smee is certainly a word not found in the English
Dictionary. Now the next question, for a trip for two to Bali, is, what
sentence can you use that in that would make logical sense?
Caller:
Smee again! How’s it Gaan?

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German scientists excavating 50 meters underground discovered
small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time,
Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had the
first nationwide telephone network. Naturally, the British government
was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig
even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass, and they
soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a
nationwide fiber net. Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 200
meters underground, but found absolutely nothing. They concluded that
the ancient Hebrews 45,000 years ago had cellular telephones.

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Here is a definition which young Mums and Dads can probably
relate to: A toddler is the equivalent of a large International Airport
where the Control Tower isn’t working.

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Sienfeldisms – Part I
1. Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside
of the bottle?
2. Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
3. Can you
be a closet claustrophobic?
4. Why is the word abbreviation so
long?
5. Is it possible to be totally partial?
6. What’s another
word for thesaurus?
7. If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it
a success?
8. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive
with their lights off?
9. When companies ship styrofoam, what do
they pack it in?
10. If you’re cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you
read all right?
11. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it
make a sound?
12. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has
the right to remain silent?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can
they garnish his wages?
14. When it rains, why don’t sheep shrink?

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Why Engineers Don’t Write Recipe Books

Chocolate Chip Cookies:
Ingredients:
1.) 532.35 cm3
gluten
2.) 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3.) 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4.)
236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5.) 177.45 cm3
crystalline C12H22O11
6.) 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7.) 4.9
cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8.) Two calcium
carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9.) 473.2 cm3
theobroma cacao
10.) 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve
size &10)
To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor &1) with
an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add
ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L
reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add
ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is
homogenous.
To reactor &2, add ingredient eight, followed by three
equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor &1. Additionally, add
ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be
taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that
may be the result of an exothermic reaction. Using a screw extrude
attached to a &4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS
sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is
in agreement with Frank & Johnston’s first order rate expression (see
JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete,
place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to
come to equilibrium.

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The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realised
that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up
the whole world.
One day they sat down and decided to settle the
whole dispute with one dog fight. They’d have five years to breed the
best fighting dog in the world. The losing side would have to lay down
its arms. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler
females in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian
wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each
litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used
steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the meanest dog
the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five
inches thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the
dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine
foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they
knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with
the Russian dog.
When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came
out of its cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The
Russian dog snarled and got close enough to bite the Dachshund’s neck.
The Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite.
There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came
up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don’t
understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working
for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the
world and the biggest meanest Siberian Wolves." "That’s
nothing," an American replied. "We had our best plastic
surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a
Dachshund."

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Dumb Things to Ponder

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He’s gone now.
I bought some
powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.
It doesn’t matter what
temperature the room is; it’s always room-temperature.
If you’re not
part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.
It’s a small
world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.
You can’t have
everything…where would you put it?
I went to a restaurant that
serves “breakfast at any time.” So I ordered French toast during the
Renaissance.
Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same
time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
I went to a general store.
They wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.
I went down the street
to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front
door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours." He
said, "Yes, but not in a row."
I love to go shopping. I
love to freak out the salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and
I say, "Have you got anything I’d like?" Then they ask me what
size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
While I was gone,
someone stole everything in my apartment and replaced it with an exact
replica. When I told my room-mate, he said, "Do I know
you?"
I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who
live above me are furious.
On the ceilings in my house, I have
paintings of the rooms above so I never have to go upstairs.
I used
to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the
place.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I’m
home now, but leave a message and I’ll call you when I’m out."
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do
you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer,
but I wasn’t going to be out that long."
One time a cop pulled
me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn’t you see the stop
sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I
read."
I got my driver’s license photo taken out of focus on
purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it (moving it
nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly), and says, "Here, you
can go."
The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I
said, "Insanity, your honour.
Who in their right mind would
park in the passing lane?"
When I get real bored, I like to
drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and
count how many people ask me if I’m leaving.
Yesterday I parked my
car in a tow-away zone. When I came back the entire area was
missing.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now
it looks like I’m the only one moving.
I was trying to daydream, but
my mind kept wandering.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during
the day because that means it’s going to be up all night.
I got up
one morning and couldn’t find my socks, so I called information.
"Hello, Information." I said. "I can’t find my
socks." She said, "They’re behind the couch."
I
bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went
to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in
Spanish.
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a
quicksand box. I was an only child…eventually

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Man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd
and a huge flock of sheep. Tells the shepherd, "I will bet you $100
against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this
flock."
The shepherd thinks it over; it’s a big flock so he
takes the bet.
"973," says the man. The shepherd is
astonished, because that is exactly right. Says "OK, I’m a man of
my word, take an animal." Man picks one up and begins to walk away.

"Wait," cries the shepherd, "Let me have a chance to
get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact
occupation." Man says sure. "You are an economist for a
government think tank," says the shepherd. "Amazing!"
responds the man, "You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you
deduce that?"
"Well," says the shepherd, "put
down my dog and I will tell you."