New Teacher:
A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher. Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body, but fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn’t noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-alec punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
Dead silence…
The rest of the year went very smoothly.
~~
A bar owner locked up his place at 2 AM and went home to sleep. He had been in bed only a few minutes when the phone rang.
¢â‚¬Å“What time do you open up in the morning? ¢â‚¬ he heard an obviously inebriated man inquire.
The owner was so furious, he slammed down the receiver and went back to bed.
A few minutes later there was another call and he heard the same voice ask the same question.
¢â‚¬Å“Listen, the owner shouted, ¢â‚¬Å“there ¢â‚¬â„¢s no sense in asking me what time I open because I wouldn ¢â‚¬â„¢t let a person in your condition in ¢â‚¬” ¢â‚¬Å“
¢â‚¬Å“I don ¢â‚¬â„¢t want to get in, ¢â‚¬ the caller interjected. ¢â‚¬Å“I want to get out. ¢â‚¬
~~
When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noises coming from the area where Mozart was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, “Ah, yes, that’s Mozart’s Ninth Symphony, being played backwards.”
He listened a while longer, and said, “There’s the Eighth Symphony, And it’s backwards, too. Most puzzling.”
So the magistrate kept listening; “There’s the Seventh… the Sixth…the Fifth…” Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the
cemetery. “My fellow citizens, there’s nothing to worry about. It’s just Mozart decomposing.”
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A butcher saw a Lawyer passing by his shop one day, and asked him: Atty., what would you do if a dog came in and stole your meat?
Lawyer replied: why? of course, I ¢â‚¬â„¢ll make the owner pay for it!
The butcher said: If that is so, now you owe me $15 because it is your dog.
The Lawyer replied: very well, just deduct the $15 from the $25 you owe me for the advice, I ¢â‚¬â„¢ll collect the remaining $10 the next time I pass by here.
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A guy walking down a street one afternoon passes an old man sitting on the side of the road with a large sack.
The younger guy says to the old man, “Watcha got in the sack?”
The old man responds, “I got some monkeys in that there sack.”
The younger man asks, “If I guess how many monkeys you got in the sack, can I keep one?”
The old man replies, “Son, if you guess how many monkeys I got in this sack, I’ll give you both of them!”
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Three absent minded writers were busy discussing a writing project on the platform, while waiting for the train.
The announcement was made, and the train finally arrived.
There was complete panic among eagerly waiting passengers as the train made its way to the platform.
Passengers rushed inside the train, and the train left. However, one of the writers was not able to catch the train in the confusion.
A passerby who saw all this came up to the writer and told him not to worry and catch the next available train.
The writer replied, ¢â‚¬Å“I am not worried for myself, but the real problem is that I was the one who was suppose to catch the train, and the two of them who went on the train, actually came to see me off ¢â‚¬ .
~~
COMPLETE or FINISHED?
No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. However, in a recent linguistic conference held in London, England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clear winner.
His final challenge was this: Some say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.
Please explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand.
Here is his astute answer:
“When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.
But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one,
you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!”
His answer was received with a standing ovation lasting over 5 minutes.
~~
A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear.
Ms. Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.
“Would you mind telling me, Doctor,” she asked, “How do you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?”
“Nothing is easier,” the doc replied.
“You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble.
If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.”
“What sort of question?” asked Pelosi.
“Well, you might ask, “Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?”
Pelosi thought a moment and then said with a nervous laugh,
“You wouldn’t happen to have another example would you?
I must confess I don’t know much about history.”
Sadly, …THEY WALK AMONG US! AND, THEY VOTE!
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
Traffic Camera
A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera.
He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit,
even though he knew that he was not speeding.
Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot,
driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
Now he began to think that this was quite funny,
so he drove even slower as he passed the area again,
but the traffic camera again flashed.
He tried a FOURTH TIME with the same result.
He did this a FIFTH TIME and now was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past,
this time at a snail’s pace.
Two weeks later,
he got FIVE tickets in the mail……for driving WITHOUT A SEAT BELT.
YOU CAN’T FIX STUPID !
~~
One friend to another, ¢â‚¬Å“My new horse is very well-mannered. ¢â‚¬
¢â‚¬Å“That ¢â‚¬â„¢s nice. ¢â‚¬
¢â‚¬Å“Yes, isn ¢â‚¬â„¢t it? Every time we come to jump a fence he stops and lets me go first! ¢â‚¬
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Her minister told an eighty-year-old woman that, at her age, she should be giving some thought to what he called ¢â‚¬Å“the hereafter. ¢â‚¬
She said to him, ¢â‚¬Å“I think about it many times a day. ¢â‚¬
¢â‚¬Å“Oh, really? ¢â‚¬ said the minister. ¢â‚¬Å“That is very wise. ¢â‚¬
¢â‚¬Å“It ¢â‚¬â„¢s not a matter of wisdom, ¢â‚¬ she replied. ¢â‚¬Å“It ¢â‚¬â„¢s when I open a drawer or a closet, I ask myself, ¢â‚¬ËœWhat am I here after? ¢â‚¬â„¢ ¢â‚¬
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A man calls home to his wife and says, “Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends.
We’ll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I’ve been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We’re leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up.
Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas.”
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked.
The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish.
He says, “Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn’t you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?”
The wife replies; “I did, they were in your tackle box.”
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A man sat down and was seriously staring at the marriage certificate, after a long time his wife asked,
¢â‚¬Å“What are you looking for? He replied, ¢â‚¬Å“The expiration date. ¢â‚¬
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If you would like to be included on John’s Clean Humor List send your email address to
[email protected] with “=Include Me=” in the Subject line.
~~
Punography: (there is no such word)
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can
stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on
me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d
never met herbivore.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words .
At the hospital they told me I had type A blood, but it was a
type-O.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra .
PMS jokes aren’t funny, period.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory– I hope there’s no pop quiz.
The Energizer bunny arrested and charged with battery.
The old man didn’t like his beard at first. Then it grew on him.
Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because
she couldn’t control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
Broken pencils are pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A
thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
All the toilets in New York ‘s police stations have been stolen.
Police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Velcro – what a rip off!
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner? Oh deer!
Earthquake in Washington obviously the government’s fault.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
~~
Here’s another trick of Doctor Dementia to test your skills….I’ve seen this with the letters out of order, but this is the first time I’ve seen it with numbers. Good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this OUT LOUD, you have a strong mind. And better than that: Alzheimer’s is a long , long way down the road before it ever gets anywhere near you.7H15 M3554G353RV35 7O PR0V3H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4ND0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5!1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5!1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG17 WA5 H4RD BU7N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3Y0UR M1ND 1SR34D1NG 174U70M471C4LLYW17H 0U7 3V3N7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17,B3 PROUD! 0NLYC3R741N P30PL3 C4NR3AD 7H15.PL3453 F0RW4RD 1FU C4N R34D 7H15.To my ‘selected’ strong-minded friends: If you can read the following paragraph, forward it on to your friends with ‘yes’ in the subject line. Only great minds can read this. This is weird, but interesting!If you can read this, you have a strong mind, too.Can you read this? Only 55 people out of 100 can.I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno’t mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!If you can raed this frowrad it.
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