Please find below our suggestion for fixing Australia ‘s economy.

(Pardon the layout…)

Instead of giving billions of dollars to banks that will squander themoney
on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan..
You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:

There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force.

Pay them $1 million each severance for early retirement with the
following stipulations:

1) They MUST retire.
Ten million job openings – unemploymnt   fixed

2) They MUST buy a new Australian car.
Ten million cars ordered – Car Industry fixed

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage –
Housing Crisis fixed

4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university –
Crime rate fixed

5) They MUST buy $100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week

…….
and there’s your money back in duty/tax etc

6) Instead of stuffing around with the carbon emissions trading scheme
that makes us pay for the major polluters, tell the greedy bastards to
reduce their pollution emissions by 75% within 5 years or we shut them down.

It can’t get any easier than that!

P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back
their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances

If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know. If
not, please disregard.

Grumpies of the World Unite

Also ….

Let’s put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.

This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and
walks.
They’d receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical
treatment, wheel chairs etc and they’d receive money instead of paying it
out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped
instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed
and returned to them.
A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and
snacks to their cell.
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual
counselling, pool and education.
Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ’s and legal aid would be free, on
request.
Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with
gardens.
Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards
would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised.
Lights off at  8pm, and showers once a week.   Live in a tiny room and pay
$600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.

Think about this (more points of contention):
————————-———————————————–
THE AUSTRALIAN CONSTITUTION

They keep talking about drafting a
Constitution for Iraq … Why don’t we just give them ours?
It was drawn up by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for
centuries and we’re not using it anymore.
————————-———————————————–
THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments posted in a
courthouse or Parliament, is this –
You cannot post ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’, ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit
Adultery’ and ‘Thou Shall Not Lie’ in a building full of lawyers, judges and
politicians…..

It creates a hostile work environment.

————————-———————————————–
Also;
Think about this …. If you don’t want to forward this for fear of
offending someone — YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM! It is time for us grumpy
old folk of Australia to speak up!

~~~

I thought only pre-teens pulled this trick:

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/1i6ghD

~~

A man lying on his deathbed called to him his doctor, his pastor and his
lawyer. “I am going to die tonight and I want to prove that when you go to
heaven you can take it all with you. So to my three most entrusted friends,
you three of course, I am leaving $50,000 in these envelopes. When I die,
you must come to the funeral and put the envelopes in my coffin with me.”
The man then handed the three men identical envelopes.

The next day they each received the news that the previous night the old man
had died. So each knew they must go to his funeral and fulfil his death
wish.

Standing over the coffin one week later, the pastor confessed, “I can’t hide
what I’ve done. I took
$10,000 from the envelope because the church needed to be painted.”

As he did so, the doctor started to fidget then finally confessed, “I took
$30,000 from the envelope because the hospital needed a new wing.”

Then the lawyer said, “You bunch of crooks. I wrote him a cheque for the
full amount!”

~~

I never knew this!

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ?
Where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

“Freeze a jolly good fellow.”
“Freeze a jolly good fellow.”

You really didn’t believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?  

~~

At a party of professionals, a Doctor was having difficulty socializing.

Everyone wanted to describe their symptoms, and get an opinion about diagnosis.

The Doctor turned to a Lawyer acquaintance, and asked,

“How do you handle people who want advice outside of the office?”

“Simple,” answered the Lawyer, “I send them a bill. That stops it.”

The next day, the Doctor, still feeling a bit reserved about what he had just finished doing,  opened his mailbox to send the bills; there sat a bill from the Lawyer.

=======

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer,

 ¢â‚¬Å“This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you. ¢â‚¬ 

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks,

 ¢â‚¬Å“Which do you want, son? ¢â‚¬ 

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.  ¢â‚¬Å“What did I tell you? ¢â‚¬  said the barber.

 ¢â‚¬Å“That kid never learns! ¢â‚¬ 

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

 ¢â‚¬Å“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill? ¢â‚¬ 

The boy licked his cone and replied,  ¢â‚¬Å“Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over! ¢â‚¬ 

=======

A man walks into the psychiatrist ¢â‚¬â„¢s office with a zucchini up his nose, a cucumber in his left ear,  and a breadstick in his right ear. He says,  ¢â‚¬Å“What is wrong with me?

The psychiatrist replies,  ¢â‚¬Å“You are not eating properly. ¢â‚¬ 

=======

My wife enjoys sports and anything else that calls for an argument.

=======

There was a man driving a pickup truck down a country road, when suddenly he was broad sided by a trailer truck.

Some time went by, and the case got to court. The defense attorney said to the plaintiff,

“How can you be suing my client now when you told a trooper after the accident that you felt fine?”

The man replied, “Well sir, it was like this. We was driving’ down the road, minding’ our own business,  when a big trailer truck came out of nowhere and creamed us.

When I came to, I was in the ditch, and a trooper was pulling’ up with his car.

He looked at the hogs, and they was ‘most dead, so he shot ‘them.

Then he looked at my dog, and he was hurt real bad, so he shot him.

Then he came over to me and he said, ‘How you feeling?'” “I said, I never felt better in my life.”

=======

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