COMMON UPSETTING BELIEFS

These beliefs often lead to anxiety and depression:

Demand for Approval – I must be loved, approved of and respected by the significant people in my life, and if not, it’s awful.

High Self-Expectations – I must succeed, achieve and be competent because I am a failure as a person when I fail or do poorly.

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These beliefs are associated with a passive-dependent, victim outlook:

Dependency – I need someone or something stronger than myself on whom to depend because I can’t cope with life by myself.

Helplessness for Change – My past is the cause of my present problems, so I can’t change. This is how I am and I am helpless to do anything about it.

Emotional Control – My feelings are caused by events or other people, so to be happy, I must control or change them and eliminate my problems.

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These ideas cause anger, righteous indignation and guilt.

Blame Proneness – People, including me, must not do wrong. When they do, they are bad, rotten people who deserve to be blamed and condemned.

Personal Idealism – The world and other people must be fair and just, that is, the way I want them to be.

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These are common beliefs in frustration, impatience, procrastination and impulsiveness:

Frustration Reactivity – I can’t stand it when things or people aren’t the way I want because I must get what I want quickly and easily.

Problem Avoidance – It is easier to avoid rather than face life’s difficulties because I can’t stand such hassles and shouldn’t have them.

Discomfort Anxiety – I must be comfortable and without pain at all times or I can’t stand it.

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These beliefs lead to perfectionism, obsessive/compulsive traits and martyrdom:

Perfectionism – There is a right, perfect solution to every problem and I must find it, so I have to be certain and be in control.

Anxious Overconcern – I have to be anxious when faced with uncertainty or potential danger and must think constantly about such possibilities.

Overcaring – I must become upset over my and other people’s problems or else I am an uncaring, cold, bad person.

Psychological Hypochondria – When I am upset, I’m afraid I may be going crazy and won’t be in control of myself, which would be unbearable.

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE AND SELF-ESTEEM Paul Brownback, in his book The Danger of Self-Love, explains it this way: . . . by unconditional love we are speaking of love on the basis of being rather than doing. One implication of this teaching is the place of grandeur that it gives to the human being. I am lovable just because I am human; therefore being human, in and of itself, regardless of what I do with my humanness, must have some sort of independent value or worth. It is by itself a sufficient claim to respect and esteem.

PSYCHOLOGY Recent ground-breaking research performed by the Children’s Center for Self-Esteem demonstrates the high correlation between unconditional love and high

self-esteem. Unconditional love separates the person from the behavior and loves a child for who she is rather than for what she does. The gift of unearned, unconditional love thus allows a child to value herself in spite of her imperfections and is the cornerstone of a child’s sense of high self-esteem. It is the central element in helping a child to live a joyous, value-oriented life

Adler, Maslow, Rogers and others believed that a human being will find answers to his own dilemmas and naturally blossom into his best self in an atmosphere of unconditional love and acceptance

That “critical parent” voice in our head

GOD – LOVES US BEFORE, AS AFTER WE CHANGE AND WHETHER WE CHANGE OR NOT!