Clergy/Leaders’ Mail-list No. 3-151 (Practical Christian Living)

HANDLING CRITICISM

Part One: When You Feel the Need to Correct

by Norman and Ann Bales

Do you remember this clever doggerel?

Sticks and stones May break my bones, But words will never hurt me.

We have a different perception. If we may be allowed the liberty of poetic license, we would like to rewrite the verse.

Sticks and stones Are hard on my bones When aimed with hostile intent. Words sting like bees When spoken with disapproving intent.

In every work place, every home and every social relationship, criticism is a fact of life. When Lyndon Johnson was president of the United States, he said, “If I quoted the 23rd Psalm, Newsweek would say I didn’t do it right.” George Washington was hissed and booed when the drove down the street. Every president in the history of the United States has been vilified, disparaged, belittled, ridiculed and scorned. That same spirit filters down to every human relationship.

Critics often speak words with little understanding of the mess they cause. They are not required to be intelligent. Albert Einstein said, “Against every great and noble endeavor stand a million mediocre minds.” Faultfinders always have excuses. One protests, “I was just trying to help.” Another says, “I really wasn’t serious. I meant it as a joke.” Still another will go on the attack, “Don’t you think you’re just a little too thin- skinned?” Several years ago, a therapist shared his thoughts about so-called constructive criticism. He said, “Baloney is baloney any way you slice it.”

For some reason, those we love the most seem to receive more verbal abuse more than anyone else. It’s really understandable. We spend more time with those folks than we do anyone else. We know them better than we know others. Unfortunately, we sometimes know them so well that their faults are magnified. The Christian home becomes a place for judging motives, indicting and second-guessing.

We presume on the closeness of the relationship and tend to throw caution to the wind. We overstate, neglect common courtesy, forget about tact and refuse to communicate diplomatically. We’re brutally honest (with special emphasis on the brutal part). We think that we’ve been given a mission to straighten out those things that are lacking in our loved ones. In the process we often end up with alienation, misunderstanding, resentment, emotional distance and heartache.

WHEN YOU FEEL THE NEED TO CORRECT

But how do you handle it when you honestly believe another person is pursuing a course of action that is either harmful to themselves or others? How do you discuss a weakness you observe in your spouse? How do you correct misbehavior in your children without questioning their value and worth? We must be careful. “Blowing your stack” rarely improves relationship. It usually discourages more than it helps.

We would like to suggest that we replace the term “criticism” with the word “correction.” Even that term carries some negative baggage, but it is a far more precise expression. The Bible assumes the necessity of corrective discipline in the home. The Hebrew writer addressed it this way. ” . . .. the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son. Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father?” (Hebrews 12:6-7). There is a legitimate time when we must express disagreement, make suggestions for behavior modification and call for a revision in attitudes, actions and behavior. But how do we go about it?

PRINCIPLES OF CORRECTION

* Examine yourself. Before you go storming into someone’s life like a bull in a China close, consider you own human frailty. We all bring baggage to the table including preconditioning from our previous experiences, prejudices and rationalizations. We need to remember that Jesus taught us to look at the board in our own eyes before we try to remove sawdust from the eyes of someone else.

* Make yourself a part of the solution instead of being a part of the problem. People will usually listen to us when they know we will roll up our sleeves and help them overcome a problem. But if the only thing you are willing to do is stand on the sidelines and yell, “you are wrong”, you’re not likely to receive a positive response. In reviewing the various lists of spiritual gifts in the Bible, we’ve noticed that the gift of criticism is not among them. In fact “gift analysis” is not even one of them.

* If you think you need to correct someone, be sure you know where he or she is coming from. There’s a story about a photographer who rushed to the airport and noticed a pilot sitting at the controls of an airplane. He had been assigned the job of taking aerial photographs of a forest fire. He told the pilot, “Let’s get this plane in the air right now.” The pilot did as he was told. He ordered him to fly in the direction of the fire. The pilot did as he was told, but remained at a discreet distance from the fire. The photographer said, “You’ve got to get closer. I want to take good pictures of the fire.” At this point, the photographer noticed a look of terror on the pilot’s face. The pilot said, “Why are you taking pictures?” The photographer said, “That what I do.” Then the pilot said, “You mean, you’re not my instructor?” When we start assuming things we can be in as much trouble as the pilot was.

* Make sure you speak out of a heart of love. Love permeates the hearts of those who follow God. If we do not love we don’t have permission to speak. A hateful diatribe doesn’t do anyone any good.

Judith Crist evaluated the professional critic this way, “To be a critic, you have to have maybe 3 per cent education, 5 per cent intelligence and 90 per cent gall and egomania in equal parts.” There are some things we can’t ignore, but when we address sensitive relationship matters we need to make sure that we don’t exaggerate our rhetoric. In Galatians 6:1, Paul emphasized the importance of gentleness in going about the task of correction. Without gentleness our attempts at correction will degenerate into venting frustration and dumping anger.

Next Week: Receiving Correction

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