For ryte as be the curtesye of God he forgiveth our synne atte the tyme that we repenten us, ryte so will He that we forgiven our synne as anempts our unskilfull hevyness and our doutfull dreds.”

Julian, LXXIII

(for just as through His courtesy God forgives our sin when we repent; so He wills that we also forgive our sin and the resulting heaviness of heart and doubting fears.)

After an affair, relationships don’t always fail because the affronted person cannot forgive; now and then it is because the wayward partner cannot accept the forgiveness that may be offered. Despite (or sometimes, because of) the grace of their spouse, they cannot move beyond the offence of their own actions and find it impossible to accept the gift of love. Even in more trivial circumstances, it is often easier to give a gift then receive.

“Some of us believe that God is almighty, and may do everything; and that he is all wise and can do everything; but that he is all love, and will do everything – there we draw back. And as I see it, this ignorance is the greatest of all hindrances to God’s lovers.” Julian links this to a “dread that holds us back because we look at ourselves and the sins we have already committed.” If we run a race with eyes not on the prize, but rather on our feet making sure they move in the right way – we will be sure to stumble. As Julian reminds over and over again, we cannot find joy – or even the energy required to creatively live the Christian walk – by focussing on our weakness and sin. “This dread we sometimes mistake for humility, but this is to be horribly blind and weak.. It is the will of God that of all the qualities of the blessed Trinity that we should be most sure of, and delighted with, is love.”

In LXXIV Julian speaks further about the “dread which doubts” and its insidious power in our lives. She then goes on and once again sees light: “these doubts, which tend towards despair, God will have turned into love through our knowledge of His love. In other words, the bitterness of doubt is turned into sweet and kindly love by grace.”

It is easy to be seduced into thinking that dread of our sin and a sense of our failure must be automatically a good thing, and yes, they have a role, but without grace they are simply millstones around the necks of believers. The Church becomes a place we leave with a sense of guilt, not a leap of joy. “All forms of dread other then the reverant one (the rightful fearing of God) are not really holy though they sometimes seem to be. We can distinguish them in this way: the dread that makes us fly to our Lord from all that is not good (the child to his Mother’s bosom!), and fly with our whole heart; the same dread which knows our weakness and our need, and which knows too his everlasting, blessed love and goodness; the dread which finds its salvation in him alone, and clings to him in sure trust – the dread which does all that for us is kind and gracious, good and true.” Julian points out that this “good dread” is nearly indistinguishable from love: “it is our desire to fear our Lord God with all reverence, to love him with all humility, and to trust him with all strength.” Making our selves small under the weight of our sin will never give us the same strength that we find in grace. “When we dread and love him thus our trust is never in vain. The more we trust, and more its strength, the more we please and honour the Lord we trust in.”

Martin & Jude de Graaf ——————————————————— The saddest thing in the world Was that people didn’t live poetically They lived mundane, prosaic lives. Judith Wright, 1915 – 25.6.2000