Dear Mr. Croucher,

My name is ___ and I’m in year 9. I was just wondering if you would be able to help me with my health assignment. We were asked give some guidence/ counsleing on a senario relating to sex another person in our class came up with.

The senario i was given was “My girlfriend and I had a baby about a year ago, she has recently become pregnant with what I think is someone else, how should I go about checking whether it is my child with out ruining our relationship? Also if it isnt my child in her whomb, what should I do about it?

To answer the senario we were asked to research about it but as you can read its kind of a hard one to research, well trying to research is how I came across your web site. If you could give me a bit of advice on how to answer the senario or refer me to some sites that would be of some help, that would be greatly apprecitated.

My response:

First, talk about the issue with a trained counsellor. There may be issues (such as the age of the people involved) which are crucial to resolution of this problem.

Next, there are three dimensions to this problem, it seems to me:

1. Relational: is the friendship/relationship worth the fallout if this is openly discussed? People make different assessments of this one. I’ve known some people who say ‘Nothing matters so long as I can continue with her.’ Others have the opposite opinion. So each relationship is unique.

2. Sexual: in moments of (verbal) intimacy we should be open with one another. How many sexual partners a person has had is usually (but not always) factored in to such discussions.

3. Legal: if there’s a paternity doubt, this has to be worked through with a legal person. If this route is taken, discreet advice should be sought from a lawyer.

I encourage people in this sort of complex situation to phone a couple of the Help Lines, anonymously, and get a range of opinions; also talk to a pastor/counsellor. If half a dozen thoughtful/wise people offer their suggestions, one’s own outcome is much better-informed.

All the best

Rowland Croucher