AN-OY VEY….

“Roses are Reddish, Violets are Bluish, If it weren’t for Christmas We’d still be Jewish.”

With that thought in mind, I thought I’d share some material that could add to your gratitude for Christmas.

There’s the Jewish lament: Moses made a big mistake after crossing the Red Sea. If he had turned right instead of left, they would today have the oranges and we would have the oil!

And a Jewish Curse: May you have apparently limitless money all your life, and be the only member of your family to experience this.

A lonely young Jewish artist, unable to find himself a wife, enlisted the services of the local matchmaker. Some weeks later the matchmaker returned. “I have wonderful news, a rare beauty in the next village! An inspiration for your artistic career! This girl will open doors for you in all the right places!” she declared. The young man excitedly paid his money and went off to meet his intended. But that evening, a furious pounding on her door shattered the matchmaker’s preparations for a quiet dinner. Opening the door, she was met by the young artist, who angrily insisted on getting his money back. “What’s the matter with her?” inquired the matchmaker. “Have you never looked at her? Her left eye is five times too big, she has green hair, her nose is half way down her neck, she has five ears, and her mouth is in the middle of her forehead!” “You call yourself an artist,” chided the matchmaker. “And you don’t know you have to live with a Picasso to fully appreciate it?”

During the mid-sixties, a young man went into a Jewish tailor’s shop: “I’d like to order a Beatles’ jacket.” “Of course, sir,” replied the tailor. “But please describe this Beatles’ jacket to me.” “Well, it has no collar.” “No collar?” “And no lapels.” “No lapels?” “And no buttons.” “No buttons?” “And no pleat.” “No pleats?” “And no buttonholes.” “No button holes? I’m sure that I can do this for you.” “How much will it cost?” “Well, a jacket normally costs fifteen pounds, but with all these extras..”

The council of elders at a big-city synagogue invited several young rabbis to be interviewed for the Chief Rabbi’s position. Two hopefuls arrived the night before their appointment and stayed in adjoining rooms at a nearby hotel. Young Bernstein was so nervous that he stayed awake all night, loudly practising the sermon he planned to give. His neighbour Abelsen had gone to bed early, hoping to rise early enough to prepare a totally fresh message, but was kept awake all night. Next morning, the elders called the candidates in together, and for the sake of alphabetical order, invited Abelsen to go first. All he could think of was to repeat the sermon he had heard many times from next door in his hotel room. Poor Bernstein came next, and he had nothing else to deliver, so he gave the message he had practised so hard. The interview panel met in closed session and after some discussion unanimously appointed Bernstein. After all, ‘this Bernstein has such a remarkable memory. Imagine, delivering a sermon word for word, when he had only heard it once!’

As even Hitler began to realise that World War Two was slipping away from him, he became increasingly superstitious. He visited a fortuneteller and asked how long he had to live. “You will die on a Jewish holiday,” replied the seer. “But there are so many of those holidays,” protested Hitler, “Which holiday?” “Whatever day you die will be a Jewish holiday!”

After a brilliant exposition of his quantum theory and details of the ramifications of relativity to a wildly excited and responsive convocation of physicists, Albert Einstein was seen to be glumly returning to his study. His colleague stopped him: “Albert, you were brilliant tonight! What could make you look so sad?” “Reason enough,” came Einstein’s sad reply, “My wife doesn’t understand me.”

In a maths class, the teacher asked young Isaac: “What’s two per cent of ten thousand dollars?” “I’m not interested, miss!”

When a Jewish beggar knocked on the door, asking for alms, the householder told him: “I have nothing to give you today. Please come back tomorrow.” “My friend.” Replied the beggar, “if only you knew the fortune I have lost by giving credit.”

In the early days of Nazi Germany, two thugs from Hitler Youth saw an old Jew sitting alone in a railway carriage. Advancing on him with a tirade of abuse, they sat on either side of him to continue their insults. Finally one of them sneered: “We cannot decide if you are an imbecile, or just a blot on humanity. What do you think?” The old man thought for a moment before replying: “I think you could say I am somewhere between those two.”

And a Jewish reply to the rhyme:

How odd Of God To choose The Jews.

` Not odd Of God, For Goyim Annoy ‘im