January 1, 2004

*Attainable New Year’s Resolutions*

This year, I resolve to…

– Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.

– Stop exercising. Waste of time.

– Read less. Makes you think.

– Watch more TV. I’ve been missing some good stuff.

– Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.

– Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.

– Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.

– Not jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.

– Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

– Not have eight children at once.

– Get in a whole NEW rut!

– Start being superstitious.

– Personal goal: bring back disco.

– Not bet against the Minnesota Vikings.

– Buy an ’83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.

– Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.

– Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabicwords.

– Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.

– Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.

– Not eat cloned meat.

– Create loose ends.

– Get more toys.

– Get further in debt.

– Not believe politicians.

– Not drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.

– Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.

– Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.

– Stay off the International Space Station.

– Not swim with pirhanas or sharks.

– Associate with even worse business clients.

– Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.

– Wait around for opportunity.

– Focus on the faults of others.

– Mope about my faults.

– Never make New Year’s resolutions again.