“Tend only to the birth in you and you will find all goodness and all consolation, all delight, all being, and all truth. Reject it and you reject goodness and blessing. What comes to you in this birth brings with it pure being and blessing. But what you seek or love outside of this birth will come to nothing, no matter what you will or where you will it.” Meister Eckhart, quoted in Holy Listening, by Margaret Guenther

Holy Listening Margaret Guenther quotes Meister Eckhart at the beginning of her discussion of the spiritual director as “midwife to the soul.” She comments, “Even as we are born in the human birth process, so we are born again in our baptism. If Eckhart is to be believed, we give birth and are born ourselves again and again: the birth of God in the soul is our own true birth. Like the Hebrew women in Egypt, we need help. We need midwives, those careful assistants with whom God deals well.” How difficult it is to separate our own “being born anew” from the birth process we are privileged to witness in another as spiritual director or caring friend. Yet we must be clear about such boundaries. The essence of this sensitivity to the work of God in the other is “holy listening,” to use Margaret’s phrase. The thoughts presented here are reflections on the problematic process of truly listening to another person, while remaining aware of God’s presence in the story that is unfolding before us.

When Have You Experienced Really Being Listened To? There have been many of these opportunities, fortunately, for me. One that stands out is a time of deep sharing with my wife. We often take time to sit on the couch, at opposite ends facing each other, and listen to each other’s stories. I have listened often after she has had a hard day at her work. She needs to process her day. But it also works the other way. When I am doing the talking, she is attentive, keeping eye-contact when appropriate, simply listening, not responding verbally that often. I suppose it helps that she is trained as a Chaplain, but that is no guarantee that she will be able to “stay with me.” I think there is an important element of “love and respect,” which is not necessarily that of marriage, but rather of one person giving their attention to another with true authenticity and concern. The time I remember was one when I was extremely frustrated with some other people in our church. My issue involved feeling truly hurt by what others had said, not knowing how to move past this. She listened, and then listened some more. She has a way of asking questions that are affirming and open-ended. She looked calm but also concerned for me. The difference between this kind of presence and more informal conversation was her attentiveness and lack of response about herself. The focus remained on me and the issues I had raised. As I remember, we ended the time together with prayer.

What Strengths and Weaknesses Could Interfere With Your Listening to Others? When I think of a characteristic I see as a strength, I am often led to see this as a weakness as well. An example might be my training in Counseling Psychology. I have worked with people of all types, listening to their stories, sometimes drawing them out, reflecting back what I am hearing to verify its accuracy, all the while beginning to form an initial hypothesis about what is going on with this person. This dual-level thinking is necessary for establishing rapport and also developing an intuitive sense of what is not being said that is important. In spiritual direction, this pattern may work well, but it is important to also listen for the movement of God’s Spirit. The intuitive focus is less on my own ability to make reasonable hypotheses and more on my humility in waiting for God’s “still small voice” to enter the picture. Thus, good counseling skills may be a strength in one case, but also a weakness in another where it is essential to let God lead. I feel that my natural abilities can be used, but held in balance by reliance on God’s Spirit. It is such a delicate balance. I have learned that love (God’s love for the other person, my love for God, and as a result, my “love” for the other person) is more important than by-the-book listening skills. Authentic love and respect comes through. A related weakness is my tendency to jump to an explanation in my own thinking. There is often a need in me to find an explanation, instead of just listening and holding our conversation together in a safe container, waiting for the insight of God’s Spirit. Once a tentative explanation is formed, it is hard to give it up, even if nothing about it has been said to the other person. My true desire is to simply be present, open, accepting, inviting and loving. It is a humbling thought that it is not by my intellect or intuition that insight may come, but rather by sensitivity to God’s Spirit and God’s insights.

How Do You Prevent Your Own Issues From Interfering With Your Ability to Listen? My simplistic answer to this is to keep the focus on the other person and on their relationship with God. This is certainly easier said than done. I know enough from my Counseling experience to appreciate that much projection and identification is unconscious. My own baggage is always present. I need to deal with this honestly. If I sense that a the other person’s story is pushing my own buttons, I need to pay particular attention to God’s presence. If I hang in there, allowing my own sense of “having it all together” to be challenged and allowing God to guide, we may both experience an extremely helpful time.

One Final Thought Macrina Wiederkehr, in expanding on the metaphor of our lives as dough that God fashions into bread, says — “Do not worry at all about your unfinishedness, your incompleteness. Remember that God is the kneader. Hold that unleavened part of your life dear and surrender to the energy of your dough,” (Seasons of Your Heart). Perhaps it is our humility and our desire to love God that allows us to love our companions on the journey.

You may choose to answer the questions posed above for yourself. This can be a productive exercise, putting you more closely in touch with God’s spirit within.

Blessings and Peace,

Gordon Haynes http://www.spiritlifetransitions.com