And now, for something different, from a netfriend on a humour newsgroup:

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I like true adventure stories! Perhaps you would like this one from my great-great-grandfather’s diary. He was a merchant sailer in the Romanian fleet, the century before last:

Our reconstructed merchant sailing ship fared well, and we navigated the most direct route to home port. This unavoidably charted us through the Death Heads Straights, favorite hunting grounds of the most feared pirates, the Busybodies. Tales of the Busybody’s ruthlessness pervaded seaman’s pubs far and wide. They had been known to board ships and hang every sailor from the yardarm. They would then busily plume the bodies in redundant ways, earning their nefarious name.

Thus it was with considerable trepidation that we viewed the oncoming ship. As it neared, our worst fears were confirmed. The green flag with the smiling death’s face, trademark of the sadistic Busybodies, was plainly waving it’s pronouncement of doom.

Our combined speeds were such that the death ship passed us quickly, perhaps too quickly for the pirates to note our dearth of finery and crew, not worth plumage. We smiled and waved peevishly; however this ruse only returned incomprehensible jeering and pointing at our meager ship, as if our bow were too feeble to withstand the merest storm.

Our hearts beat frantically, not a breath among us, as we watched our worst imaginings dwindle behind in our wake. But alas, they were turning. We were doomed! Our one chance, worthless as it might be, was to capture wind. Thus we did turn out every sail at our disposal. The Busybodies were turned now in our direction, and one noticed the distance closing!

In desperation, our captain ordered all heavy objects thrown overboard to gain more speed. As that seemed not enough, we were ordered to strip naked and to fix every article of clothing upon every edifice that could catch the slightest wind. These actions seems to help at first, yet after some time the death ship was again perceptibly closer!

Now being almost close enough to hear, one of the pirates mounted the bow of his ship and called over his megaphone to us. Our captain asked the seaman known to have extraordinary hearing to make out the message. The seaman replied “It’s too far. Maybe one word was ‘noose.’ I cannot be sure!”

The message was clear enough to the captain! Stop now and heave to or you will all face the noose! Seeing that the pirates could not be outrun, he ordered all hands to line the port side with hands exposed in surrender. As the raiders drew near, the pirate crew snickered at our naked submission, obviously anticipating their easy plumage. The pirate in the bow yelled over his megaphone once again. This time the words were clear as they seared through each and every shivering sailor. “Your anchor is loose!”

The captain immediately peered over the bow and noticed that, indeed, the anchor had been drawn unsecurely! Seizing this unexpected opportunity, and not wanting to draw any undue scorn from his captors, the Captain raised his own megaphone and shouted back, “Thanks!” The pirates immediately turned away, much merriment still obvious, and thus we were not plumed that day.