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Healing Hearts – Repairing Homes – Embracing Femininity In this issue: Gossip, Principles of Peace, Planning Well, Seasons of Singleness Online Store (click here)

Gossip? Leaky lips? Your words reveal your character. The Scriptures are full of wisdom and instruction for us regarding what we speak and what we hear.

Proverbs 13:3 (Be careful little lips what you say…)

“He who guards his mouth preserves his life and the one who opens wide his lips comes to ruin.”

Proverbs 18:8 (Be careful little ears what you hear…)

“The words of a gossip are like choice morsels; they go down to a man’s inmost parts.”

FIRST – FOR ALL US LISTENERS OF GOSSIP: These words go into the listener’s ear and affects soul in a deep level. My husband says that listening to gossip is like eating candy-coated devil vomit. Gross! But, true. In a real sense, the gossiper has done the digesting and regurgitation of the enemy’s destructive lies or twisted truths, and put them in a nice juicy morsel for the hearer. My husband also teaches that the reasons that people are tempted to listen to gossip are due to their own insecurities. A person will either rationalize it in one of three ways: 1) THE CONTROL FREAK: they want to be “in the know” so that they can be in control 2) THE “REJOICE IN OTHER’S FAULTS” FREAK: they only feel good about themselves when they hear about the faults and sins of others (love doesn’t rejoice in iniquity – 1 Cor. 13). 3) THE RESCUER: who must hear the whole story so that they can be the one to havethe answer and make everything right. In this way, they can feel good about themselves that they’ve really helped.

All these motivations are out of insecurity. And the worst thing about listening to gossip is that we rob the brother or sister (who is gossiping) of the opportunity to go “one on one FIRST” (like Jesus says in Matthew 18:15-20).

If we were really concerned and if we really cared about that brother or sister who is gossiping, rather than listening to them, we would stop them and encourage to obey Jesus’ instruction in Matt. 18:15-20. That is, of course, if we we’re really caring for them and not using them out of our own insecurities. Most listeners of gossip fall into the RESCUER mentality. And though Jesus said, “Blessed are the peacemakers,” He didn’t want to be a peacemaker in a situation where He’s instructing us to point that person to follow His instruction in Matt. 18:15-20.

Only if the person has first gone to that offender and then defined it as a sin…

NEXT – FOR ALL US SPEAKERS OF GOSSIP Idle words? Here’s Watchman Nees definition: “idle words are superfluous words, irrelevant words, unnecessary words, or words of rumor which cause dispute. May we see the seriousness of idle words as well as slanderous words?” If a believer is unaware of the pride, rebellion, jealousy, insecurity, fear of man is stirring within his or her heart – chances are it will leak out the lips. This is especially true if that believer thinks he or she is not susceptible to these sins and doesn’t have a strategy in which todeal with them when they do arise. Jesus speaks of these things within our hearts in Mark 7:20-23 (yes, even our redeemed hearts … we’re not glorified — yet), and in Matthew 12:34b, He says that out of the heart the mouth speaks. In verse 36, He says that we’ll give an account for every idle word.

Paul’s exhortation to not gossip is mainly to women. And, though this is an area that both men and women can fall into, I believe that it is women who especially need to be on guard (1 Timothy 5: 11-16). The fact that Paul, when giving qualifications for leadership, addresses the women (and not the men) when it comes to gossip and slander ought to say something to us. Older women (Titus 2:3) are exhorted to be reverent in the way they live – they are not to be slanderers.

Where’s your heart in this? Do you gossip? Do you put gossip in the form of a prayer request? Do you talk about people behind their back? What do you “pass on” in the name of “concern” that ought not to be passed on? Gossip is a destructive means to destroy the body of Christ.

Gossip: “rumor or sensational talking about intimate events.” Slander: “oral defamation — the speaking of false and malicious words that injure another persons reputation, business, or property rights.”

Here’s the gossip test – regarding the words that proceed from my lips: 1. Does it edify? 2. Do I have permission to share what I know? 3. Is it necessary to speak about this? 4. Will someone be hurt by it? 5. Will it glorify God?

When should I suspect a person gossiping? 1. Is this “talk” about someone who is not there? 2. Does it sound like this person has avoided the Matt. 18:15-20 step of going one on one-first? And am I ready to stop them and ask them if they have discussed this first with the person of whom they’re speaking? 3. Did they have permission to tell me what they’re telling me? 4. Would this person be saying this if that person (of whom they were speaking)

were there?

What to do if someone gossips to you: Stop him or her before they give details and ask them, 1. “Do you have permission [from this person of whom you’re speaking) to tell you what they are about to share. 2. “Did you speak directly to ________ first? (And if they did…) “What did he/she say in response?” At this point, if things were done appropriately (according to Matthew 18:15-20), and the person didn’t listen, and it was determined that there is a real offense/sin involved, you will need to be willing to go with that person and follow through on Jesus’ instruction in the Matthew passage.

I can always tell a woman who has issues of authority by her words and attitude. Let me quote Watchman Nee from his book Spiritual Authority, “Were one submissive to authority he would surely control his mouth; he would dare speak so loosely.” A person who is loose with their words probably doesn’t have much of the fear of the Lord worked in their heart – thus, if there’s problems with God’s authority in their life, they will have problems with God’s delegated authorities. So, hey Woman ~ renew your commitment to NOT gossip and to NOT listen to gossip – OK? Doing this grieves God because it really hurts the unity of His body (and hurts His children) and what a bummer testimony to a dying world.

Principles of Peace 1 Peter 3: 1- 6 Peter instructs the wife (and all women) some solid principles of peace to live by. How does a woman who is married become a potential instrument of peace and healing in a bruised marriage? Is it possible to bring change? Is there hope? A woman in a marriage that is riddled with abuse and violence needs support. She needs to have understanding as to what she should bear and what is unacceptable.

A woman’s first Principle of Peace is submission (1 Peter 3:1). God’s reason for us to submit is for the purpose of winning… “that they may be won over…” It says that we might win our husbands over. What might we win? We might win over a husband who is not walking in obedience to God’s truth and standard.

We’re preparing the way so that God might win that man to freedom.

The winning here in 1 Peter 3:1 is not a guarantee that the husband will change. It does mean, however, that your godly life and submission will give your husband every reason to admit that your life is right and his is wrong. He will not be able to argue this victory (whether in his mind, or with his words) because of your clear witness — and in this, you have won him. In winning, a husband might be convicted or convinced of truth, but what he does with that truth is not a wife’s responsibility. We have no control over howhe responds.

And, finally, we will win for ourselves a peaceful disposition in knowing the depths of Christ’s saving grace and strength through our thoughtful (not mindless) submission. Winning, here, has its roots in submitting. It begins with our devotion to God, cultivating inner beauty, prayer and trust in God — not being controlled by fear — fear of man, fear of what could happen, fear of loss — since I can’t really lose anything because I belong first and foremost to my Lord – so all that I am and all that I have is His – so how can I really lose anything if it’s all His anyway?

As women enter into this partnership with God through their godly submission and through prayer, they can become powerful tools that God can use to bring about change in the home. Believe it or not, submission is one of God’s strategies given to a woman for potentially changing a husband (to become spiritually alive and obedient to God’s ways). Submission and prayer are God’s ways for a woman to unleash power. My spiritual mother always told me, “Lylah, when you submit, the enemy has to flee.” It’s as if an unsubmitted woman is tying God’s hands to move in the situation, and a submitted woman unties God’s hands. He always wants to work in our behalf and to bring reconciliation into damaged and difficult marriages, but we can, in a sense, ties his hands by our lack of cooperation. He then just waits for us before He moves.

Woman to Woman Mentoring has a great little booklet – The Wife’s Principles of Peace. This booklet will walk you through the treasure principles found in 1 Peter 3. The booklet is $5 plus $2 for shipping and handling.

Planning Well – Becoming Principled and Living Life On Purpose I believe that every woman deep inside really wants to plan well and live a life free of confusion and stress. Some women just naturally seem to organize, plan well, and make smart choices with their time, decisions and activities. They seem to live “stress-free.” Their lives are principled and they seem to walk with a certain confidence as well as a sense of fulfillment. If you were to put a magnifying glass to their lives you would probably see they plan with principles. And, there are other women who just long to live like that.

What does it take to become an effective, Principled Planner? How do we change our old habits? How do we discover new ones to develop? What understanding and skill do we need to make these changes? How do we make smart choices in planning? Let’s try to answer these questions.

There are three Power Principle keys that need to be understood in becoming a woman who plans with principles. The first Power Principle is that a woman must understand her identity and feminine design. The second Power Principle is that she must rewrite any old scripts of her life that not only contradict with how God views her but with any purposes that God has for her as a woman. And, the third Power Principle is to understand the unique calling of a woman.

Let’s look at the first Power Principle: understanding your identity and feminine design. Who are you? What are you about? What is unique and special about you? What is your feminine design? What is your identity? What is your purpose in life? How has God designed you? These are some good questions to ask as you understand what your identity and feminine design are. These good questions must be answered in light of a biblical grid. It’s within the context of a biblical grid that your identity and your feminine design as a woman are discovered and lived out.

The second Power Principle has to do with “unscripting” and taking authority back from anyone you’ve given it to, but God. Who have you given authority to define you? And, the third Power Principle has to do with your unique calling. Discovering that unique calling will be expressed in your personal Mission Statement.

Seasons of Singleness Before my husband pursued me as his wife, he was an extremely passive man (he himself has told me this and encouraged me to write this). But, when he really wanted something, he became aggressive. In his pursuit of me, he learned how to grow out of his passivity and into his masculinity — into the man he was designed to be. We women want a man who pursues us. We do want to feel pursued — to feel that we are worth pursuing — but how can we if we steal that opportunity away from a man in our pursuit of him?

Had I pursued him, I would have robbed him of that opportunity to grow. Then, I would have had to live with his passivity and I’m sure I might have struggled with despising him. My husband’s initiation drew me (and it still does).

Isn’t it true that this kind of pursuit is drawing to us women? And isn’t it also true that we honestly despise the actions (or inaction) of a passive man? Of all the things I hear wives say, they seem to be frustrated most with the lack of initiation of their husbands.

~ With Great Joy ~Lylah Ledner,

Director of Mentoring ~ Woman to Woman, Scottsdale, AZ