You Are A Bad Cook If…

– The last time you tried to make toast the kitchen caught on fire

– Your apple pie bubbled over and ate the enamel off the bottom of the oven.

– You make tuna noodle broccoli surprise for your family and the surprise is that it glows in the dark!

– Your homemade bread can be used as a door stop.

– The leftover crumbs make a great replacement for kitty litter.

– Those annoying pest control companies keep pestering you, wanting to buy and patent your recipe for candy Christmas cookies.

– You forget and leave a gallon of your homemade ice cream on the porch overnight during a record busting heat- and the next afternoon, not only is it still solid, but it tastes better.

– You hate rice, but you keep finding it floating around in your beef stew.

– Your kids know what exactly peas porridge in a crockpot nine days old tastes like.

– The EPA requires that all your garbage cans be marked with large bright red ‘biohazard’ symbols.

– You use the smoke alarm as a cooking timer.

– You consider it a culinary success if the pop-tart stays in one piece.

– Your dog goes to the neighbors’ to eat.

– Your family buys Alka Seltzer and Kaopectate in bulk.

– When you barbecue, two of your kids hold water guns and the third stands ready by the phone with 911 on speed-dial.

– Your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a fire truck siren.

– Your microwave display reads “TILT!”

– Your two best recipes are meatloaf and apple pie, but your dinner guests can’t tell which is which.

– You’ve used three boxes of scouring pads and a bottle of Drano and a crowbar, and that macaroni and cheese still won’t let go of the pan.

– You make tuna noodle surprise and the surprise is that it glows in the dark and melts the silverware.

– Your family prays AFTER they eat!