(Won’t split your sides, but a couple of gentle chuckles here… )

A woman confided to her girlfriend, “My ex-husband wants to marry me again.” The friend said, “How flattering.” The woman replied, “Not really. I think he’s after the money I married him for.” ———————————————————— A lady goes into the butcher shop and as she is walking around the store, she spies a beef tongue in the butcher’s counter. The lady asks, “What in the world is that?” “Beef tongue,” replies the butcher! The lady gives a little involuntary shudder, “No way would I put anything in my mouth that came out of an animal’s mouth!” The butcher nods sympathetically while peeking into the woman’s shopping cart, “I see you’re buying a dozen eggs!” ———————————————————— What did the inflatable teacher say to the inflatable naughty student, from the inflatable school? Not only did you let me down, you let yourself down, and the whole school down! ———————————————————— If you don’t pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed? ———————————————————— The Hokey Pokey — Shakespearean Style! O proud left foot, that ventures quick within Then soon upon a backward journey lithe. Anon, once more the gesture, then begin: Command sinistral pedestal to writhe. Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke. A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl. To spin! A wilde release from heaven’s yoke. Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl. The Hoke, the poke — banish now thy doubt Verily, I say, ’tis what it’s all about. ———————————————————— Mary had a little lamb, The midwife was surprised! ———————————————————— “Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.” –Mark Twain ———————————————————— Three guys are debating which of their languages is the most pleasing to the ear. The Italian says, “Consider the phrase, ‘I love you.’ In Italian, it is: ‘Ti amo’. What a lovely sound!” The French guy says, “True, but in French it is: ‘Je t’adore’. An even more beautiful sound!” “What’s wrong with: ‘Ick leiber dik,” asks the German? ———————————————————— Noren Eron, the great Norse comic decided to bring his act to America. He booked several shows in the northern states and did well. He then took his act down south, but he real- ized that the farther south he went, the less the crowd ap- preciated his act which had the poor guy miffed. When he got to the Deep South, no one got his act at all. After many disappointing sets, he just quit one night and returned to Norway. This goes to show you… You should never book a miffed Norse in the south. ———————————————————— “It’s better to have loved and lost a short person than never to have loved a tall.” –David Chambless ———————————————————— Concerned about fitness in my middle 40s, I enrolled in an aerobics class. To my dismay I walked into a room filled with much younger women and decided to combat my nervousness with humor. “I’m here to do my postnatal exercises,” I told the instructor. She gave me an appraising look. “How old is your baby?” “Twenty-six,” I replied. ———————————————————— St. Peter was watching the pearly gates one afternoon when Jesus came around to see him. “Oh great! Glad you’re here,”> Peter says, “Can you watch the gates for a minute?” Jesus nods and Pete runs off in a hurry. Soon, and old man walks up to the gate. “Well,” Jesus says, “Tell me your life story.” The old man looks up and says “I don’t remember too much when I died, but I remember my name was Joseph, and I was a carpenter, and I had a son that was world famous!” Jesus looks at him and says, “Papa?” The old man says, “Pinocchio?”