COMPUTER EMAIL RESPONSES When some of you are out of the office, I get little messages from your computers. Here are a few funny ones – 1. Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message. 2. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks. 3. Due to a transporter malfunction, I am now in the 24th century, and I don’t know when I’ll be back. But hey, leave a message. Someone might get to it. 4. In case of a business emergency, I may be reached 24 hours a day at (insert Boss’s cell phone number here). 5. The e-mail server is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. 6. Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message.

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As a resident physician in radiology, I was speaking with the man whose wife was about to receive a CAT scan of the chest. While the nurse was placing the intravenous line, I asked the husband if his wife had undergone any other tests. The man named several procedures involving various body parts, but he couldn’t remember one particular test. Thinking out loud, he said, “What is that thing women have that men don’t?” His wife was quick to answer, “A brain, dear.” and… A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds. The wife wanted to go on the Ferris wheel, but the husband wasn’t comfortable with that. So the wife went on the ride by herself. The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out and landed in a heap at her husband’s feet. “Are you hurt?” he asked. “Of course I’m hurt!” she replied. “Three times around and you didn’t wave once!”

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When Haley started kindergarden, she was really excited when she learned all of the words to the Pledge of Allegience. She would recite it whenever she had a chance. But it took a while for people to convince her that it didn’t end “…with liberty and justice for all, you may be seated.”

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As a nurse in a maternity unit, I’ve had to answer all kinds of questions from patients and their families. I couldn’t help but notice that one expectant father seemed particularly interested in the electronic fetal monitor.” Would it hurt anything if I just turned this dial up and down from time to time?” he asked.” No,” I answered, “but why would you want to do that?” Smiling wistfully, the dad explained, “I know from experience it’s the only time in a child’s life I’ll be able to control the volume.” –Contributed to “All In a Day’s Work” by Carol Plants and… While driving through South Carolina, I kept having to slow down for road repair crews. To keep the workers safe, the highway department posted a series of signs that read, “Let ’em work. Let ’em live.” On one of the signs an exasperated motorist had added, “Let ’em finish!”

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I WAS STATIONED on Leyte during World War II. Although the region was secure, sometimes the enemy tried to infiltrate our food-storage area. One such adversary, dressed in GI clothing, once worked himself into the noontime chow line. Our camp cook spotted him, reached under the serving table for his pistol and yelled for the MPs who were patrolling the area. After it was all over, we asked the cook how he knew the man was an enemy soldier. “I figured it wasn’t one of you guys,” he said, “’cause he was coming back for seconds.”

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CAN YOU SEE ME? I’m a counsellor who helps coordinate support groups for visually-impaired adults. Many participants have a condition known as macular degeneration, which makes it difficult for them to distinguish facial features. I had just been assigned to a new group and was introducing myself. Knowing that many in the group would not be able to see me well, I jokingly said, “For those of you who can’t see me, I’ve been told that I look like a cross between Paul Newman and Robert Redford.” Immediately, one woman called out, “We’re not THAT blind!” http://gcfl.net

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While meeting with my Auto Insurance agent, Carl, I confessed to him that I’d been comparing rates on the Internet and had gotten a quote that was 30% less than his. Tell me, Frank,” responded Carl, “when you have an emergency, whom do you want to deal with — a man or a mouse?” and… It was little Michael’s first visit to the country, and feeding the chickens fascinated him. Early one morning he caught his first glimpse of peacock strutting in the yard. Rushing indoors excitedly, Michael sought his grandmother. “Oh, Granny,” he exclaimed, “one of the chickens is in bloom!”

~~~ BLONDE JOKES Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?

A: So she wouldn’t wake up the sleeping pills. Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?

A: To see what was on the other side. Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?

A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years. Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?

A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps! Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?

A: The vegetable garden. Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?

A: “Oh look! Donut seeds!”

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Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter?

A: Because it’s too far to walk. Q: What is the longest word in the English language?

A: Smiles. (There is a mile between the first letter and the last letter.) Q: What is the tallest building in our town?

A: The library. (It has the most stories.) Q: How did Jonah feel after he got swallowed by a fish?

A: Down in the mouth. Q: What is the purpose of reindeer?

A. It makes the grass grow, sweetie. Q: Why couldn’t the chicken find her eggs?

A. Because she mislaid them. Q: What did the chimpanzee say when his sister had a baby?

A. Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle. Q: What did the coach say to the losing team of snakes?

A. You can’t venom all. Q: What did the toy store sign say?

A. Don’t feed the animals. They are already stuffed. Q: What do you call a baby monkey?

A. A chimp off the old block. Q: What sign did the grizzlies put up?

A. Support your right to bear arms.

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GRANDMA’s APRON

The principle use of Grandma’s apron was to protect the dress underneath, but along with that, it served as a holder for removing hot pans from the oven; it was wonderful for drying children’s tears, and on occasion was even used for cleaning out dirty ears. From the chicken-coop the apron was used for carrying eggs, fussy chicks, and sometimes half- hatched eggs to be finished in the warming oven. When company came those old aprons were ideal hiding places for shy kids; and when the weather was cold, grandma wrapped it around her arms. Those big old aprons wiped many a perspiring brow, bent over the hot wood stove. Chips and kindling- wood were brought into the kitchen in that apron. From the garden it carried all sorts of vegetables. After the peas had been shelled it carried out the hulls. In the fall it was used to bring in apples that had fallen from the trees. When unexpected company drove up the road, it was surprising how much furniture that old apron could dust in a matter of seconds. When dinner was ready, Grandma walked out on the porch and waved her apron, and the men knew it was time to come in from the fields for dinner. It will be a long time before anyone invents something that will replace that old-time apron that served so many purposes. MAKE it a blessed day! — Author Unknown

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A DAD OF A MARINE

A dad of a marine shines brighter than the closest star; is filled with pride because he knows his son is now a man; a man that may be called upon to fight in battles; to fight for freedoms for every individual in the United States of America; to honor others and to be honored. A dad of a marine has the most to lose, but has everything to gain. A dad of a marine knows his son may be in harm’s way someday; he wants to protect his son like an Eagle mother protects her young; but even the Eagle mother knows that someday her young will soon have to leave the nest; to go out on their own in a world that is not as safe as home. You hope as a dad that you taught your son everything he needs to know, and as a dad of a marine, your son knows with your love and strength that he is ready to face anything. He is not only doing this for his dad, but for all the other dads of marines. So every time the red, white and blue is raised, a dad of a marine will most likely shed a tear, because he knows the sacrifices that were made of other fathers; so we may have the freedom to place our hands over our hearts when singing the “Star Spangled Banner” while facing “Old Glory.” Don’t shed a tear for him, but he will shed a tear for you because knowing in his heart that God has truly blessed his son; that is a dad of a marine.

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