My Story

(‘Jill’ is a single, 36 years old woman, ‘a Christian (personal relationship sense) for 10 years but always believed in God, abused from around age 3 to 7ish by father.’)

~~~

You conceived of her,

Just as the three brought treasure for your Son

You gave her treasure, gifts to share

Part of your divine hope for her life.

It started with the miracle of life

And the pains of childbirth

A helpless babe in the arms of imperfect parents So much promise, potential and hope

Her world in the faces of her parents

In their faces identity grows

With knowing love and safety

Being seen and by interaction

Parents absorbed in their babe

Mum and Dad delighting in her

Talking to her and stroking her face

She is loved and safe, for now.

This day she looks up into her mother’s face

Eyes looking back but not seeing

Arms holding but not held

It was so sudden, gone.

The child incapable of giving what the mother needs

The first bitter taste of abandonment and grief.

And she still has her father, he wants her

So she becomes Daddy’s Girl.

~//~

It caught her unawares A betrayal so great

Words barely hint at the assault’s depth and breadth

Why, When and How? – Of little consequence

Her beloved Daddy turned

Loving father and sadistic sexual monster

Lives forever changed

Unpredictable danger ensnared her.

The rape of her body the least

The fucking with her mind

Wrenching and stripping of emotions

And mutilation of her spirit the most abhorrent.

Growing strangely accustom to the quiet night visits

More tolerable than the other vicious attacks

Just massage his throbbing beast

Just let his fingers explore her.

It doesn’t feel right, she doesn’t like it

Maybe it isn’t wrong

She didn’t know or understand

And there is no escape.

Her body becomes rigid and taut

With terror and horror

She can’t breathe! PANIC!

Lips stretched to the max

He rams his beast home

Releasing his venom.

Fills her retching stomach

Every instinct fearing death.

Sadistic acts, not for sexual pleasure

A pathetic weak man desperately trying to be powerful

Brutally cruel, inflicting pain

Feeding on fear, his girl child’s fear.

Blindfolded or gagged whatever he fancies

Hand tied, body and soul exposed

Plaything dragged into his game

To torment and dominate.

Tools used in stretching exercises

Accommodation must be made

But still the weapon is hammered

Tearing and burning it’s way in.

Silence and submission – lessons hard won

They have their own power

Reducing the monster’s pleasures

And the time of endurance.

The mind does what it can

Tuning out, closing down to protect itself

To survive and cope

But can’t completely escape.

What about Mother?

Well, she stopped seeing long ago

Even if it is under her nose

The girl must protect her.

Within this inescapable hell, a light flickered

He comes to her – a man with no name

Holding her in strong arms and gently weeping

With heavenward appeals.

She does not fear him

There is no evil in him

Eyes so gentle and loving and safe

She dwells in his eyes.

~//~

An indiscreet slip away from the viper’s nest

The response made it clear

Wrong acts by Daddy

And she is implicated in his deeds.

Bravely she struggles with the words

Mother’s blows and anger

Confused her more

No rescue is forthcoming.

Dirty little liar, you are

Abandoned once more

Isolated and alone in the world

A shame filled child.

Father raging at her

She is going to pay for her indiscretion

Begging and pleading – to no avail

Pinned to the wall by her life’s breath

Death holds no fear now

It is the ultimate escape

From paralysing fear, hellish pain

And to go with the man.

The Man, cradles the limp rag

Eyes streaming and anguished face

She can’t take it anymore

He can’t bear it anymore either.

Pleading heavenward for the child

Challenging and questioning the monster, too

‘Open your eyes, see the truth of your deeds’

Supplication answered in Divine tears.

Nestling her against his chest

Gently stroking her hair

‘Little One you’re so precious to me. I won’t let him take your life. Fear not, for I am always with you.’

Across the horizon of her mind the curtain falls.

Lost treasure God-given to the babe

Lost the man – named Jesus

Lost the little girl, all battered and torn

In this moment of salvation.

Pain and trauma – cut off

With their power to destroy

Assaults finally halt

Life goes on – nothing has happened.

~//~

Two decades on Father dead, more than 10 years now

So it is safe and it is time

The past must be faced and healed.

There is a knock at the door

Before her stood Jesus

Come to heal

Come to be her strength and hope.

The pain and trauma endured by the child released

Threatening to engulf the adult

Her known life seemed a lie

The truth almost too much to hold.

The struggle has began

The battle to reclaim lost treasures, to heal

Jesus always present and his earthly angels

Her spirit always moving her to the light and life.

Found the wounded lost child

In such need of love and healing

She is me and I am her

Together we journey to wholeness, love and life.

Healing never complete on earth

With her always the scars of the past

It is part of who she is

But its power is waning.

The struggle is a close companion

Doubt and exhaustion take it toil

One day freedom must come

One step after another with God.

The adult and child are returning

Into the perfect parent’s arms

Slowly learning His lessons

And rediscovering the life of God within.

January 1999