1. Phone answering machine message – “…If you want to buy marijuana,press the hash key…”

2. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

3. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”

4. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in..

5. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. “My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? ” “Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.” “What? Because he’s cross-eyed? ” “No, because he’s really heavy”

6. Guy goes into the doctor’s. “Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.” “How’s that?” “Don’t you start.”

7. Two elephants walk off a cliff…boom, boom!

8. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me “Can you give me a lift?” I said “Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.’

9. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.

11. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

12. “You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.”

13. A man walked into the doctors’, he said, “I’ve hurt my arm in several places “The doctor said, “Well don’t go there any more”

14. Ireland’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescueworkers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.