From Mark Tindall:

YOU MIGHT BE A FUNDAMENTALIST IF…

* You pronounce “sin” with two syllables. * You enjoy talking to people in King James English. * You are building your own pulpit for your living room. * You think hair tonic is Biblical. * You find June Cleaver attractive. * You believe Moses should have shaved. * You have a portrait of Sodom and Gomorrah, the day after they were nuked. * You pronounce it “Bab-tist.” * You say “Gosh Darn.” * You scrawl Bible verses on bathroom walls at McDonalds * You thought Back to the Future was a movie about Biblical Prophecy. * You store tracts in your cellular phone carrying case. * You can trace Saddam Hussein’s genealogy to Nebuchadnezzar. * You think genuflect is a type of mirror. * You wish you could preach like Louis Farrakhan. * You know that unscrambling “Santa” is “Satan.” * You exchange any currency that has three 6’s in a row. * You think credit cards are a tool of the devil to identify you to the Anti-Christ. * You think that bar codes are demonic. * You think the band K.I.S.S. means Knights in Satan’s Service. * You found back-masking on Amy Grant’s albums. * You think that Gregorian Chants are a tool of the devil. * You think Victoria’s Secret is an Illuminati conspiracy. * You know the writing on the Statue of Liberty’s tablet was put there by a Mason, in an Illuminati conspiracy. * You have a chart of the hidden symbols of the dollar bill. * You think movies are a tool of the devil. * You think Pat Robertson was okay till he ran for president. * You think the guy with the long hair and John 3:16 sign at golf tournaments is liberal. * You think Jerry Falwell is liberal. * You think Jesus is liberal. * You think Deviled ham is a conspiracy of the Illumnati. * You call Israel “the Holy Land.” * You think a modem is a tool of the devil. * You think Charlton Heston was great in the Ten Commandments …but you repent of watching it because movies are a tool of the devil. * You pronounce “repent” as “rheeeee-paint!” * You say Amen more than once an hour. * You pray so long your food gets cold. * You argue Pat Buchanan is misunderstood. * You think Burt Reynolds was great in Smoky and the Bandit …but you repent of watching it because movies are a tool of the devil. * You have a fish on the back of your car, your boat, your bicycle and your briefcase… you’d get a tattoo, but they’re tools of the devil. * Your wife puts a scripture tract in your lunch. * You have your name stamped on your 10+ Bibles. * You know four Greek words for love and their different usages. * You think Notre Dame football team are all secretly Jesuit priests in an Illuminati conspiracy. * You name your children after the apostles. * You become an Amway dealer to evangelize in disguise. * You like being an Amway dealer.

To which an Orthodox priest-friend responded:

Top Ten Signs You Might Be Orthodox!

On Wednesdays and Fridays you eat Japanese food.

You’re used to skipping breakfast on Sundays.

You can automatically subtract 13 days from today’s date.

You wear comfortable shoes to church, because you know you’ll be standing a long, long time.

To you, a ‘topless’ gal is one without a headscarf.

You get great deals on Christmas trees and Easter candy.

You spend time figuring out the best way to remove smoke stains from your ceiling.

When you see a shopping-mall Santa, your first instinct is to hold out your hands to get his blessing.

Before you pray, you say a prayer.

You don’t flinch when someone throws water at you.

When you first tell people who ask what religion you are, at first they think you’re Jewish.

When you go to the movies, you and your spouse sit on different sides of the theatre (and you both feel uncomfortable sitting down in public).

The service routinely starts at least 15 minutes late and lasts 2  ½ hours and nobody around you complains.

You know you’re in an Orthodox church when the priest says, ‘Let us complete our prayer to the Lord’, and there’s still half an hour to go.

At the end of Holy Week, you have rug burns on your forehead.

Athanasius.