The following questions and answers were collected from U K 2002 GCSE exams, and are some of the answers given by British students writing their fifth form (Year 11) GCSE exams. These are genuine responses, they cheer up a teachers day no end

Geography q: name the four seasons a: salt, pepper, mustard & vinegar

q: explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink a: flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

q: How is dew formed a: the sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

q: what is a planet a: a body of earth surrounded by sky

q: what causes the tides in seas and oceans a: the tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon because there is no water on the moon. Nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight

Sociology

q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist upon a: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed

q: in a democratic society, how important are elections a: very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

q: what are steroids a: things for keeping carpets still on stairs

Biology

q: what happens to you body as you age a: when you get old so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

q: what happens to a boy when he reaches puberty a: he says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

q: what is artificial insemination a: when the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

q: how can you delay milk turning sour a: keep it in the cow

q: how are the main parts of the body categorised (eg. abdomen)

a: the body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax, the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart & lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O & U.

q: what is the fibula a: a small lie

q: give the meaning of the term “Caesarean section” a: The caesarean section is a district in Rome

q: what is a seizure a: a Roman emperor

q: what is a terminal illness a: when you are sick at the airport

q: give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? a: mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

English

q: use the word ‘judicious’ in a sentence to show you understand its meaning a: hands that judicious can be soft as your face

q: what does the word ‘benign’ mean a: benign is what you will be after you are eight