A cowboy runs into a bar and says to the bartender, “Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!”

The bartender pours out the shots, and the cowboy drinks them as fast as he can.

The bartender says, “Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast.”

The cowboy replies, “Well, you’d drink that fast too if you had what I have.”

The bartender says “Oh my God! What is it? What do you have?”

“I have …………….. only fifty cents!”

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A Good Shot, But…

Mildred, an aging 93 year-old woman, was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl’s old army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place by the loss of her husband.

Not well versed in anatomy and not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable or a burden to someone else, she called her doctor’s office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart is located.

“On a woman,” the doctor said, “the heart is located just below her left breast.”

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gun shot wound to her knee.

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SENIOR MOMENTS:

Three old guys are out walking. First one says, “Windy, isn’t it?” Second one says, “No, its Thursday!” Third one says, “So am I. Let’s go get a beer.”

————–

A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.”

“Really,” answered the neighbor. “What kind is it?”

“Twelve thirty.”

—————-

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”

Morris replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'”

The doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur. Be careful.'”

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A man is walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.

“Twenty bucks,” she says.

He’d never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell it’s only twenty bucks.

They’re going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them it’s a police officer.

“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”

“Well,” said the man, “neither did I until you shined that light in her face.”

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