Would be out of his depth in a playground puddle.
A vol-au-vent short of a buffet.
A few bushes short of a shrubbery (see story below):
~~~
A man was caught breaking into a house in the Irish Republic after telling the owner who he was. The court heard how he placed a wheelie bin against the wall of the house in Kildare and used it to climb through one of the bedroom windows.
When one of the occupants woke up and heard him moving around, she called out: “Who’s there?” To which he replied: “It’s me, Tommy.”
Defence counsel Conal Boyce described his client Tomas Sheerin as “a few bushes short of a shrubbery” and said he was normally a gentle, mild-mannered person.
Police told the court that Sheerin had an argument with one of the occupants earlier in the day and decided to break into the house that night to beat him up.
A German couple who went to a fertility clinic after eight years of marriage have found out why they are still childless – they weren’t having sex.
The University Clinic of L ¼beck said they had never heard of a case like it. After examining the couple, doctors subjected them to a series of tests and discovered that they were both apparently fertile and should have had no problems conceiving.
“When we asked them how often they had had sex, they looked blank, and said: ‘What do you mean?'” said a clinic spokesman.
“We are not talking retarded people here, but a couple who were brought up in a religious environment, who were simply unaware, after eight years of marriage, of the physical requirements necessary to procreate,” the spokesman added.
Prison guards in Israel are being trained to understand dog language so they can interpret what their guard dogs have seen – whether it be a prisoner escaping or a stray cat in the yard.
The training is being carried out by a system that electronically analyses the guard dogs’ barks in each prison, according to Israeli paper Jedijot Achronot. It uses a traffic light to distinguish between three main warning levels: green indicates the barking is harmless, yellow reports a suspicious situation and red confirms a prisoner is loose.
It is hoped the system will teach guards on patrol to tell whether or not a bark should be acted upon.
Two prisoners who escaped from police cells in Argentina by unscrewing their cell door left a note to apologise for the inconvenience.
The note left by prisoners Nazareno Rodriguez and Sebastian Gallardo for police officers in the station at Winifreda said: “We love our freedom and can’t live locked in; we’re sorry for any inconvenience we might have caused you.”
A police spokesman said: “They were so cheeky. We could not believe they left a note. But we will find them.”
The two, who are accused of robbery and firearms offences, are still at large.
23 May 2004
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