I was commuting from the Borough of Queens to my job in Manhattan. I’d finished reading the morning paper and was saving it to bring to friends on the job.

How do you save a newspaper on the subway? You sit on it.

A new commuter came in, saw the newspaper under my rear end and asked the second most stupid question I’ve ever heard, “Are you reading that paper?”

I stood up, turned the page, sat right back down on the paper and answered, “Yes.”

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Affair With The Dentist

Laura fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate rendezvous in the dental clinic.

But one day he said sadly, “Laura, honey, we have to stop seeing each other. Your husband’s bound to get suspicious.”

“No way, sweetie, he’s dumb as a post,” she assured him. “Besides, we’ve been meeting here for six months now and he doesn’t suspect a thing.”

“True,” agreed the dentist, “but you’re down to one tooth!”

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To stop her 4-year old daughter from biting her nails, her mother tells her it’ll make her fat.

“I won’t do it any more, Mom,” says the daughter.

Next day they are out walking when they meet a very fat man.

“If I bite my fingernails, I’ll be as fat as that, won’t I Mom?”

“You’ll be fatter than that,” says her mother.

They get on a bus, and sitting opposite them is a very pregnant lady.

The little girl can’t take her eyes off the woman’s belly.

The pregnant lady feels increasingly uncomfortable under this stare, and finally leans forward and says to the little girl, “Excuse me, but do you know me?”

And the little girl says, “No, but I know what you’ve been doing…”

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Funny Quotes

Stupidity “If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?” Will Rogers

Government What’s the difficulty about drafting a Constitution for Iraq? Why don’t we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys; it’s worked for over 200 years, and hey, we’re not using it anymore.

Morality The reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse is that you cannot post “Thou Shall Not Steal”, “Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery”, and “Thou Shall not bear false witness against thy neighbor.” in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile working environment.

Zero Gravity When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and millions of dollars developing a pen that writes in zero gravity upside-down on almost any surface including glass and at below freezing to over 3000 C. The Russians used a pencil. Your taxes will be due again. Enjoy paying them.

Congressmen The reason Congressmen try so hard to get reelected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they passed.

Elections The reasons elections are held in November is it’s an excellent time to pick out a turkey.

Contributed by: Carl Estes

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DRIVING IN THE RAIN

Two young guys were at a party in the woods when all of a sudden there was a downpour of thunder and rain. The two ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain, finally reaching their car just as the rain let up. They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other.

All of a sudden an old Indian man’s face appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly on the window! The passenger screamed out, Eeeeekkk! Look at my window!!! There’s an old Indian guy’s face there!” (Was this a ghost?!?!?!?)

The old Indian man kept knocking, so the driver said, “Well open the window a little and ask him what he wants!” So the passenger rolled his window down part way and said, scared out of his wits, “What do you want???”

The old Indian softly replied, “You have any tobacco?”

The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, “He wants tobacco!” “Well offer him a cigarette! HURRY!!” the driver replies.

So the passenger fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette, rolling up the window in terror and yells, “Step on it!!!”

Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down and they start laughing again. The passenger says, “What did you think of that?”

The driver says, “I don’t know. How could that be? I’m going pretty fast?”

All of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock on the window and the old Indian man is looking in the window.

“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa! There he is again!”, the passenger yells. “Well see what he wants now! ” yells back the driver. The passenger rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says “Yes?”

“Do you have a light?” the old Indian quietly asks.

The passenger throws a lighter out the window at him, rolls up the window and again yells, “STEP ON IT!”

They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard.

Suddenly, again there is more knocking! “Oh my God! HE’S BACK!” He rolls down the window and screams out, “WHAT DO YOU WANT?” in stark fear.

The old man gently replies, “You want some help getting out of the mud?”

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A Gift Idea for Your Children & Grandchildren

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