TODAYS RIDDLE:

If, having only one match, on a freezing winter day, you entered a room which contained a lamp, a kerosene heater, and a wood burning stove, which should you light first

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The match of course!

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A young lad and his mother were walking down the street when suddenly the boy yelled out excitedly, “Mother, Mother, Look at that bowlegged man!”

His mother immediately hushed him, explaining it was not polite to make fun of bowlegged people.

The next day the same thing happened. “Look mother, there’s that bowlegged man!” The mother grabbed the lad by the arm saying, “When we get home you’ll be punished for this outburst.”

When they got home, she gave her son a work by Shakespeare, “Go to your room and read this book. You can’t come out until you have finished it. Maybe you will learn something from this punishment.”

Two days later they’re walking down the same street when the boy again, spots the person of whom he had been making fun:

“Hark! What manner of men are these, Who weareth their legs as parentheses?”

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Airport security: best job in America for getting intimate with strange women without getting arrested.

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I don’t mind getting a mammogram, but I’d rather not have it administered by airport security guards.

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Anybody who can remember when “boobs” meant “the dumb kids” surely qualifies for middle age. ______________

I was recently born again. It was a deeply spiritual and glorious experience. I can’t say my mother enjoyed it a whole lot. ______________

The tip you leave now for lunch would have bought you one twenty years ago

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Short Quips:

Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else.

Nobody plans to fail, they just fail to plan

Worry is interest paid in advance for a debt you may never owe.

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: bananosecond.

If we evolved, why did we stop?

Plan ahead: It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark!

Reputation is made in a moment: character is built in a lifetime.

The zoo is a place for animals to study the behaviour of human beings.

Most people can’t stand prosperity . . . but then again, most people don’t have to.

Second place is the first loser.

Dial-a-prayer service for atheists: You call a number and nobody answers.

Have you ever thought what Swiss cheese might smell like if it were not ventilated?

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Bob, a 70 year old extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm, who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. They corner him and ask, “Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?”

Bob replies, “Girlfriend? She’s my wife!”

They’re knocked over, but continue to ask. “How’d you persuade her to marry you?”

Bob says, “I lied about my age.”

His friends respond, “Ahh, you told her you were only 50.”

Bob smiles and says, “No, I told her I was 95.”

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One day the president of the company came upon a young man who was expertly counting out a large wad of the firms cash. The boss asked, ” Where did you get your financial training, young man?”

“Yale,” the young man answered proudly.

Ah, a fellow Ivy Leaguer! What is your name?”

“Yack Yackson.”

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A Gift Idea for Your Children & Grandchildren

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