TODAYS RIDDLE:
What year of last century is the same when its number is upside down?
What year of the previous century is the same when inverted?

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The invertible years are 1961 and 1881.

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ONE LINERS:

A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
What we need are less needs.
Don’t get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance
We’re between Iraq and a hard place.
Be very afraid: The same people fixing Iraq are going to fix Social Security.
Christmas ain’t over until the last relative leaves.
Today’s headlines are tomorrow’s cage liner.
Remember when you wished for the income you can’t live on now?
If some people said what they thought, they’d be speechless
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A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud “THUMP” and then he would swerve back on the road.
One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.

He asked the priest, “Where are you going, Father?”
“I’m going to the church 5 miles down the road!” replied the priest.

“No problem, Father! I’ll give you a lift. Climb in the truck.”
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer.
However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud “THUD”.

Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn’t see anything, he turned to the priest and said, “I’m sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer.”

“That’s okay,” replied the priest. “I got him with the door!”
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Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again.”
To which the gentleman said, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will five times!”
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DRESS ALIKE
The mother of a large family was explaining why she dresses her children alike, right down to the youngest baby.
“When we had just four children, I dressed them alike so we wouldn’t lose any of them.”
“Now,” she added, looking around at her brood of nine, “I dress them alike so we won’t pick up any that don’t belong to us.”

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As the pastor shook hands with the congregation leaving the church, a little boy looked up with a closed fist and said, “Here, I have something for you.”
The pastor opened his hand and the little boy dropped a quarter in the pastor’s hand.
Not wanting to hurt the boy’s feelings he simply smiled and said, “Thank you.”
Well, it did not end, the next Sunday and the next — the same thing.
Finally, the pastor could not take it any more; he had to know what was up. He called the boy aside and talked with him, “I really appreciate the gifts but why are you doing it?”
“Well,” said the boy, “I just wanted to help you — my dad says you are the poorest preacher we have ever had.”
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Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman, already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
“I don’t know,” he said. “She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”