. TODAYS RIDDLE:

How far can a dog run into the woods?

/\ x x x x x Scroll down for the answer x x x x x Here it comes x x x x x \/

Halfway, any farther and he would be running out. . ============================= . Our co-worker went missing for a few hours, and we tore up the place looking for him. The boss finally found him fast asleep. Rather than wake him, he quietly pinned to the man’s shirt a note saying,

“As long as you’re asleep, you still have a job. But as soon as you wake, you’re fired!” . ============================= . While a Texan was busily preparing for the first day of deer hunting season, his wife started nagging that he never asked her to go along. After several hours of argument the wife won. . That next morning they drove out to the country, and he placed his wife in a tree about 100 yards from his blind. Just as the hunter reached the blind, he heard a loud bang coming from the wife’s position. . As he ran up to her, he saw that she was holding her gun on a man nearby and shouting, “It’s my deer! Get away from It!! The sheepish-looking stranger just nodded slowly and said, “OK, lady.. It’s your deer. Just let me get my saddle off of it!” . ============================= . While I was shopping in the mall with my three children, a display in the window of a lingerie store caught my eye. “Do you think Daddy would like this?” I asked the kids, as I pointed to a lacy thing with matching robe. . “No way,” my horrified six-year-old son replied. “Daddy would NEVER wear THAT!” . ============================= . A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to the local hospital in town and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients’ bedsides. . When he finished he said, in farewell, “I hope you get better.” . One elderly gentleman replied, “I hope you get better, too.” . ============================= . Jack was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him. The new guy was an absolute wreck, pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear. “Hey, pal–what’s the matter?” Jack asked. “Oh man–

I’ve been transferred to California,” the other guy answered.

“There’s crazy people in California and they have shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, the highest crime rate…”

“Hold on,” Jack interrupted, “I’ve lived in California all my life, and it is not as bad as the media says.

Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it’s as safe as anywhere in the world.”

The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said, “Oh, thank you.

I’ve been worred to death, but if you live there and say it’s OK, I’ll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?”

“Me?” asked Jack, “I’m a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck in Oakland.”

============================= . QUOTE FOR TODAY: . “I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.” . ….. Zsa Zsa Gabor- . ============================= . How is this done? !!!!! . . http://www.jokaroo.com/extremevideos/cardtricks.html . Scroll down to the video and have your sound on. . ============================= . Here’s what I’m doing on the Internet: . http://www.gift4grandchildren . http://www.iShopInt.com/mall.asp?ID=shoponline . ============================= . If you would like to be included on my “Clean Humor” list, send a blank email to jhmaida[at]hotmail.com with “=Include Me=” as the subject. I do not write the jokes. I only pass on the ones I think are funny. Laughter is good for the immune system. . ==========================