(Don’t know the “professor” that thought these up.)

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Seen it all, done it all. Can’t remember most of it.

I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial costs and blame it on the higher cost of living.

Just remember: If the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world population.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.