. TODAYS RIDDLE: . If you’re 8 feet away from a door and with each move you advance half the distance to the door. How many moves will it take to reach the door. . /\ x x x x x Scroll down for the answer x x x x x Here it comes x x x x x \/ . If you only move half the distance, then you will always have half the distance remaining no matter how small the number. You’ll never reach the door ( Think about it )

. ============================= . When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session. “I’m not aware of your problem,” the doctor said. “So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning.” . “Of course.” replied the patient. “In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the earth…” . ============================= . 1. Lawyer Jokes ! . Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50? A: Your honor. . Q: What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad? A: Senator. . Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house? A: Depends on how thin you slice them. . Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? A: Not enough sand. . Q: When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 36 feet deep? A: Because down deep, they are all nice guys! . Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? A: Shoot him before he hits the water. . Q: Have you heard about the lawyers word processor? A: No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print. . Q: How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb? A: You need 250 just to lobby for the research grant. . Q: Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps? A: Because people could not tell which side to spit on. . =============================

Dogology The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue. – Anonymous

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. – Will Rogers

Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. – Ann Landers

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. – Ben Williams

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than they love themselves. – Josh Billings

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. – Andy Rooney

We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It’s the best deal man has ever made. – M. Acklam

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. – Rita Rudner

Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never bathed a dog. – Franklin P. Jones

If your dog is fat, YOU aren’t getting enough exercise. – Unknown

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That’s almost $21.00 in dog money. – Joe Weinstein

Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? We come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul – chicken. pork, half a cow. They must think we’re the greatest hunters on earth! – Anne Tyler

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says,’My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’ -Dave Barry

Dogs are not our whole life, but they do make our lives whole. – Roger Caras

If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them – Phil Pastoret

My goal in life is to be as good of a person as my dog already thinks I am. – Unknown

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind. – Dr. Seuss”

============================= . GRAPHIC PHOTO!! . How Babies are Delivered!! . This is a really helpful photo for any of you who have kids, grandkids, nieces, nephews, godchildren; actually, for anyone who spends even a little time with young children. . Eventually, you’ll have to face the “where do babies come from?” issue, and this picture is definitely worth a thousand words. . But prepare yourself — it’s pretty explicit! . (You might want to look at it privately before sharing it with the children in your life.)

. http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_toon.php?id=C20050127 . =============================

From the archives, an oldie but still funny, for the benefit of the newcomers on my list of 2,422.

SIGNS

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon: Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels **************************

Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office: “Dr. Jones, at your cervix.” **************************

At a Proctologist’s door “To expedite your visit please back in.” **************************

On a Plumber’s truck: “We repair what your husband fixed.” **************************

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: “Invite us to your next blowout.” **************************

On a Plastic Surgeon’s Office door: “Hello. Can we pick your nose?” **************************

On an Electrician’s truck: “Let us remove your shorts.” **************************

On a Maternity Room door: “Push. Push. Push.” **************************

At an Optometrist’s Office “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.” **************************

On a Taxidermist’s window: “We really know our stuff.” **************************

On a Fence: “Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive.” **************************

At a Car Dealership: “The best way to get back on your feet — miss a car payment.” **************************

Outside a Muffler Shop: “No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.” **************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home: “Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”

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Quotation of the Day:

Make it a rule of life never to regret and never to look back. Regret is an appalling waste of energy. You can’t build on it. It’s only for wallowing in. — Katherine Mansfield

If you would like to be included on my “Clean Humor” list, send a blank email to jhmaida[at]hotmail.com with “=Include Me=” as the subject. I do not write the jokes. I only pass on the ones I think are funny. Laughter is good for the immune system.

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