The Christianese Dictionary

From http://www.availablelightonline.com/christianese.html

Christianese = A communicable language within the Christian subculture with words and phrazes created, redefined, and / or patened that applies only to the Christian sphere of influence. …

Pharisee = A term used to describe those who disagree with you.

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Touch Not The Anointing and do not the Prophets any Harm = A phraze given to those who publically challenge wrong theology and a pastor’s doctrine in order to suppress them and shut them up because of the leader’s fears of losing influence, control, and money. Based on a poor interpretation of 1 Chronicles 16:22

Touch Not The ANNOYING and do not the Profit$ any Harm = A phraze describing those who propogate wrong theology in order to lead by using fear to obtain influence, control, and money. The ‘annoying’ is used to describe those who self-proclaim themselves as ‘anointed’ and the ‘profit$’ is used to describe those who self-proclaim themselves as a ‘prophet of God’. Also used to describe those who used the phrase “Touch Not The Anointing and do not the Prophets any Harm” to suppress them and shut them up because of the leader’s fears of losing influence, control, and money.

Blab It and Grab it = A satirical term used to make fun of the common and incorrect Word of Faith teaching of “Name It and Claim it” where you want a BMW, you can name that BMW, anoint it with oil, and claim that BMW as yours.

Fair-I-see = A satirical term used to describe pharisaical people who act holier than thou and their double standard.

Sad-you-see = A satirical term by the “Fair-I-Sees” to describe those who are different from them and why they are constant happy.

Secret Sin = A hypocritical term used by church leaders to explain away why you are (and deservedly so in the church leaders eyes) suffering at this point in your life. However, when the church leaders suffer, the suffering is viewed as “every demon in hell is attacking me”. Even though the Bible states that some afflictions are caused by sinful activities, many in the Pentecostal / Charismatic / Word of Faith circles think all suffering is due either to this, ‘lacking faith’, or ‘not putting enough money in the offering plate’.

You Lack Faith = Another hypocritical term (see ‘Secret Sin’) used by Faith teachers to explain away why you did not get the things you want, a nice car, a mansion, healing from sickness, a job promotion, or being a zillionaire for Jesus.

You did not put enough money in the plate = (see “Secret Sin’ and ‘You Lack Faith’)

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T-shirt / Trinket Theology = A term describing the concept of knick-knack junk made for pennies by child labor in China, sold for a dollar at the dollar store, but sold for many many times that amount at the Christian bookstore because the trinkets / t-shirts have Bible verses, the Prayer of Jabez Trademarks, WWJD, or other cliche theology printed on them or the worse yet, “Testamints” breath mint candies with the cross-shaped wintergreen flavoring inside the peppermint square with a bible verse printed inside the candy wrapper.

The Purging of The Remnant = This phraze, (aka ‘the Great falling away’, the ‘sifting of the wheat from the tares’, ‘producing Gideon’s Army”, and ‘the pruning of the vine”) is a term used to describe those who have left a fellowship over disagreements with the fellowship’s leadership tactics or poor theology while publicly saying “We sent them out with our blessing”. When one leaves, it is implied that if you too leave, you are automatically now unsaved, cursed, will live a life full of sickness, possess the ‘spirit of Judas” (if you publicly questioned leadership you possess ‘the spirit of Jezebel), disease, poverty, your teenage daughters will become promiscuous and pregnant and produce spiritual bastards, your teenage sons will be pimps and drug pushers, and tragedy, and even ‘miss the rapture’ or if the rapture has not occured, ‘burn in hell’ because you do not attend their ‘remnant uncompromising straight-road’ fellowship but instead attend the ‘liberal, apostate, wide road’ fellowship. a.. I Refuse To Receive It = A term used by Word of Faith subscribers too often to make every situation positive even though some negative things happen which is a part of everyday reality by denying the negative reality exists. The repo man is coming for your car because you are four months behind, “I Refuse To Receive It”. Your child has chicken pox and manifests the bumps all over his body “I Refuse To Receive It”. Your favorite relative is in the hospital dying, “I Refuse To Receive It”. …

The Spirit Of (you fill in the blank here) = A irrational justification of why we made poor choices and irresponsible behavior. For example, we jam our fingers in the car door by accident. It was not our fault for not looking out for our hand, instead, the “demon of car doors” caused my fingers to be crushed on purpose. …

Fools for Christ = A term used by many to justify stupid, irrational, and silly behavior done in the name of Jesus. Taken from an interpretation of 1 Corinthians 4:10, the people who justify the ‘fools for Christ’ teaching by justifying stupid and irrational actions done in the name of Jesus fail to realize that the apostle Paul wrote this in the light of what the unsaved people would think about our zeal for God, not to state that if one does something for Christ, it must be done backwards and irrational because that way, it would not be done of the ‘world system’

Be Ye Separate From The World = A term used to justify why the church should automatically do the exact opposite from the way the world does. The world turns right, Christians turn left bless God. The world paints their walls white, Christians paint our walls avocado maalox green. The world uses the Internet, Christians use messenger pigeons. The world uses cellular phones, Christians use a piece of twine and two tin cans. The world buys Windows computers, Christians buy Apple computers Bless God, hallelujah.

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Paradigm = A popular term commonly used in third wave / riverite churches in a spiritually correct mode to deem what other churches would call ‘burnout and cliche’. This term is also used to indicate that the past churches have made what was once fresh revelations from God into the repeated, flippant, mundane, and everyday actions. Therefore, when God does his ‘new thing’ that is breaking the paradigms that were brought forth when the once ‘fresh revelation’ became the mundane and common practice. For example, a typical church would have the “Men’s Ministry” or the “Mighty Man of Valor” ministry, because these names are now commonplace and their ministry methods are now overspread and overexposed, we must now have a new approach to men’s ministry and a new title such as “Gideon’s Army”, “Band of Brothers”, etc and in the long run, end up preaching same ole stuff repackaged under a new name. in order to rename and restructure programs without changing the actual content. Many Vineyard churches call their programs with something having to do with the term ‘vine” (example, many Vineyard men’s ministries are known as ‘Men Grafted In The Vine’). These churches have paradigmed themselves by constantly being on the lookout to ‘expose paradigms’. Where Fundamentalists would ‘be ye separate…” from the world and do things different and exact opposite (see Be ye separate definition) from the way the ‘world did them, the third wave / riverite churches actually practice ‘BE ye separate…” from other churches and in many cases have a foothold into the world by doing things different from other churches because the other ‘paradigmed’ churches have placed themselves in a ‘cyclic rut’. To break out of the ‘cyclic rut’ is to do things different from other churches while having one foot in the world and one foot in the church. Where other churches have a basketball gym and a game room with a pool table for their youth, some riverite churches are known to have such things as a rock climbing wall and a skateboard ramp on their property just to be different from other churches.

Tradition = This term used commonly in Pentecostal circles denotes that things that are done annually are now traditional. Based on a loose interpretation of Colossians 2:8 where stated “Beware lest anyone cheat you through philosophy and empty deceit, according to the tradition of men, according to the basic principles of the world…” A church that had ‘homecoming’ service on the first Sunday in November must break the traditions of men and the ‘spirit of tradition’ by eliminating homecoming or moving the date of homecoming. What has happened is that these churches end up making a tradition out of exposing traditions to the point of changing things because it was always done this way before and this has prevented us from ‘moving into the next spiritual level with God’.

Submission = A concept where in many churches, church duties that the church is too tight to hire professionals to do or menial tasks such as ‘baby sitting”, “children’s church”, or any task the pastors despise to do are ‘delegated’ to people in the name of “Christian service”. Designed to teach ‘authority”, “humbleness”, and ‘servitude” or imply that those things being done impart a ‘super special secret blessing in your heavenly crown’, these tasks create a class war within the church where leadership is known by who delegates orders, an org chart, and by who sits on the podium instead of the Anointing of the Holy Spirit telling who is the ordained leader of that church. One common target group to apply this ‘servant’ mentality to is the Singles group. Singles are a easy target to implement this type of thinking into especially in these ‘focused family’ churches because Singles are seen as people, but as the church’s easy free labor pool to do the undesirable jobs no one else wants to do in the name of “servitude”, “contentment”, and “humility”. They are expected to be the nursery workers and the parking attendants while everyone else is in the church worshipping on Sunday morning service. What happens is that they end up being slaves instead of servants, ‘dominated’ instead of ‘submitted’, and humiliated instead of humbled. Yes, you can think of this in terms similar to the sexually connotative term “BDSM”

“(Fill in the blank) in the Spirit = This term is used to justify stupid and irrational behavior by deeming it an spiritual equivalent to a physical counterpart. To accomplish something “in the Spirit” equals progress. One church encourages people in their congregation to be a “Spiritual homemaker” to open up their homes for fellowship and discipleship. Many churches after the 9-11-01 tragedy used this tragedy to promote “fighting against spiritual terrorism”. One big time “revival church” in Missouri went as far as to state that God told them that people who disagreed with them were “Spiritual Terrorists”. I have met people who constantly “groan” in the spirit claiming that they always discerned wickedness and was always at war. Many of these people literally screamed at demons claiming “victory” but always having sore throat problems due to the yelling. Many people online talk about “birthing” in the spirit where women get into birth position and moan and travail claiming they are giving “birth in the Spirit” to a new work of God. The scriptures talk about travailing but to actually get into a birthing position to “birth” in the Spirit? A well known prophet has recently set up a web page asking people to send him money to “invest” in “spiritual war bonds” to fight the “spiritual terrorism” in America. People who sent money in or attended his conferences and contributed financially received paper certificates denoting their “Spiritual War Bonds” and their participation in an indirect way to the spiritual war in the heavenlies. How tragic. Another “catch phraze” used in the Pentecostal / Charismatic circles in the term “drunk in the Spirit”. This term is used to explain manifestations where the Holy Spirit has touched people to the point where they appear not be sober.

Pastorbation (a.k.a. PORNication) = This term is used to describe a pastor who has been exposed for partaking in sexual six whether the sexual sin is adultery, molestation, pornography, or any other sexually deviant sin.

The Golden Rule = This term is usually applied as being ‘Treat others in the same way you wish to be treated” (or equivalent verbage). However, in many churches where the pastor owns and operates the church, The Golden Rule is “He Who Has The Gold, Rules”.

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“Demon” music = A ‘slang’ term used by pastors and church leaders to refer to rock and roll music as being from the devil.

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“Demon” weed = A ‘slang’ term used by pastors and church leaders to refer to marijuana or other illegial drugs as being from the devil.

“Demon” stick = A ‘slang’ term used by pastors and church leaders to refer to cigarettes as being from the devil.

Deliverance = A term used by pastors and church leaders to refer to the setting free of a person from various bondages. Sometimes, this term is grossly misused when pastors decide that their personal dislikes and distastes that are not mentioned in the Bible is to be placed on the same plateau as ‘sin’ and people have to be set free from the pastors dislikes based on the pastors personal opinion.

Unity = Where this word is defined in Webster’s Dictionary as “The state or quality of general agreement and common understanding.”, many Christian leaders mistake unity for unanimity believing that in order to be in ‘unity’, a Christian must ‘be in a state of being unanimous, a complete agreement in opinion without dissention.’

Church Covenant = A legal document (admissible in a court of law) that must be signed before leadership will accept one as a ‘formal member’ of their church. This document explains the church’s policies, etc, and usually have phrases such as ‘no idle talk” designed to keep those who question leadership quiet and not question leadership’s actions, leadership’s poor theology, or leadership’s handling of finances. In many cases, the power and faith in the legal system and lawyers superceed their faith in God

Dues = In many churches, this is a satirical nickname applied to tithes and offerings. However in some extreme churches, before one can become a member, one must surrender to the church accountant, copies of the previous year’s tax forms, current paycheck stubs, knowledge of financial employee bonuses, income tax returns, copies of stocks and bonds owned, etc. What happens here in many churches that practice this belief is that you will be asked to disclose the financial information mentioned above and also the frequency of your payday. Then the church accountant will place all of this information into a mathematical formula and divide your monthly income by ten to come up with a ‘monthly offering of dues / tithes’. You would be expected (and in many churches, this is implied in the church covenant [see the definition of ‘church covenant’]) to pay this monthly offering of dues / tithes by the end of the month. If you did not pay these dues / tithes by the end of the month, you would receive a ‘nastygram’ from the church accountant / leadership reminding you to pay your tithes. One person who e-mailed me stated that the church they left that practiced this would require the person to report pay raises and performance bonuses to the church accountant for ‘tithe recalculation’ Failure to do so was seen as ‘cheating God’. This concept, when people are not paying their dues / tithes, gives the pastor an opportunity to blame bad things happening in the church such as clogged plumbing, electrical shorts, the sound board dying, etc. on people who do not pay their tithes and use this to get more money out of ‘guilt trips’.

Official Christian Perspective = In many churches, this is an application to many of the personal ideologies made corporate theologies propogated by ministers such as Dobson, Robertson, Falwell, and others where real Christianity is dictated by how much and how well you subscribe to the “Republican, anti-DEMONcrat, pro school voucher, ban the ‘marriage tax penality’, feminized Promise Keeper, butterfly kissing dad, married to the stay-at-home mom, calling themselves “single income” but the mom sells Avon, tupperware, vitamins, Amway, etc. at night, homeschool the seven kids who look like the Precious Moments Figurines living in the Thomas Kinckade gingerbread houses in the meadow next to the brook where the deer pants reminiscent of Little House on The Prairie” where the environment appears to be “sanitized”, “isolated”, and “overprotected” while driving recklessly their woodgrained minivan with the soccer ball sticker on the gas tank lid and the “Christianese’ bumper stickers on the back door listening to praise and worship in the cassette deck. To disagree with some or all of this concept in public, in forums, in the local church, etc. causes one to be labeled as “bitter”, “heretic”, “bigoted”, “narrowminded”, etc by the leaders and the followers who love to dictate the “official Christian perspective”. There is not necessarily a problem with many of these characteristics and concepts such as Republicans, homeschooling, extra-incomes in and of itself. The problem is when people who call themselves ministers of the Gospel have stated, implied, etc that failure to be or follow through those characteristics deems one as a “fake” and / or “inferior” Christian deemed for hell while those who do are “real”, “annointed”, and “superior” Christians who will receive ‘super special secret blessings in their heavenly crown.

Bitter = A term used by many who subscribe to the Pentecostal / Charismatic / Third Wave / Riverite / Official Christian Perspective describing those who disagree with any or all parts of their theological base. This term is also used by many high-profile pastors to describe members of the congregation who publically exposed the errant pastor and disagreed with the errant theologies. By deeming the dissenters as ‘bitter’, denial is placed into action and the wrongs exposed are not addressed. Also by deeming the ‘dissenter’ as bitter, the pastor looks holy and the dissenter is looked upon as sinful to justify in the eyes of the now intimidated congregation who the ‘more anointed’ one is. Why? because the ones who were exposed are actually the ‘bitter’ ones upset that someone brought forth the flaws, sins, etc. of their theological basis and therefore would dimish their sphere of influence, power, glory, etc. they obtained by their fleshly means and not by God’s hand.

His Ways Are Not Our Ways = (aka as ‘The Lord Works In Mysterous Ways’) Even though this phrase is in the Bible and is in reference to the providence, sovereignity, and the moves of God, it has been abused by many especially in Pentecostal circles to justify certain aberrant and flaky manifestations. Many use the story of Elijah where Elijah told Naaman in 2 Kings 5 to “Go and wash in the Jordan seven times, and your flesh shall be restored to you, and you shall be clean.” as justification that God could not use conventional means of talking and blessing his people. In their thought, it always have to be so far-fetched, ‘out-there’, and ‘unorthodox’ the ways that God moves on his people. Many who subscribe to this extreme thinking usually subscribe to the extreme thinking explained in the term “Be Ye Separate From The World” mentioned earlier. For example, a person needs thirty dollars to get gasoline for his vehicle. If someone walked up to him and offered him thirty dollars no strings atatched or offered some temporary chores to earn thirty dollars, that’s not of God to many people who subscribe to the extreme form of this concept. That would be considered as being ‘Satan’s shortcut’ or “Satan’s diversion tactic to the real blessing from God’. In their eyes, God can only provide if the man who needs thirty dollars somehow receives the ‘faith money’ in a blank envelope in their mailbox with other addressed mail or the man goes to a department store and the clerk accidently gives him thirty dollars more back in change than he was supposed to get.

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You Have A Critical Spirit = A term used by paranoid and insecure leaders to suppress any voices that may state their disagreement. The disagreement is seen as ‘threatening’ and ‘disruptive’ to their agendas called God and their preconcieved notion of ‘unity’.

Thus Saith The Lord = A term used in the Bible to distinguish words that God specifically spoke. However, the meaning of this phraze has been changed in Spiritually abusive churches to imply that when the leader states this, you are not to ever question the words before this phraze or apply Acts 17:11 to his words to test the pastor’s words to the Scriptures. To apply Acts 17:11 to the pastor’s words is to have ‘doubt’, ‘negative confession’, and ‘lack trust and faith’ in God.

Doublespeak = A term used originally in George Orwell’s book 1984 describing “The ability to speak or write two or more contradictory ideas without the speaker or writer being consciously aware of the contradiction.” Pentecostal / Charismatic / Third Wave / Riverite doublespeak occurs when a Christian reads and speaks blessings contained in the verses of the Amplified Bible in everyday vernacular while reading and speaking doom and curses contained in the verses of the Authorized King James Bible in King James’ Shakespherean English (thees, thous, whilsts, shalls, shalt, etc.)

… “YES” men = A term used to describe elders and deacons usually found in independent Charismatic churches that are known to never question the pastor’s motives. In many cases, these men have sold out their values and integrity when saying “No” to aberrant theology in order to become leaders of prestige within the congregation with the only true power they have is to say ‘yes’ to the pastor’s every whim and fancy.

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Spiritually Correct (SC) = The ‘Christianized’ version of Politically Correct. A concept where terms used in the old days of church are renamed because many found the old terms offensive or they were renamed because by renaming the term, the concept now appears to be a ‘new revelation’ from God. For example, the ‘spiritually correct’ have changed the name of ‘revival’ to ‘renewal’ because revival sounds too pentecostally redneck and generates thoughts of old Pentecostals speaking in tongues, running around the church, handling snakes, drinking strictnine, and ‘swinging from the chandeliers’. The ‘spiritually correct’ have changed the names of outreaches from ‘women’s ministries’ to such names as ‘Proverbs 31 women grafted in the vine’ and claim we broke the paradigms of church when all we did was to change a name while giving ourselves the same ole tried and worn out pablum again repackaged. We claim by beeing seeker sensitive that we have ‘thought outside the box’ but in the long run, all we did was to expand the dimensions of the box we are still inside of. Another example where the ‘spiritually correct’ has struck is that the name of the Holy Spirit has now been changed to ‘wind’, ‘rain’, or ‘fire’, People who believe in this concept love to bash the ‘demon’crats for ‘political correctiveness’ but feel like the term ‘spiritually correct’ sanitizes Christianity into a purer and more anointed Christianity . (also see ‘Paradigm’)

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Hallescrewyou = A term used to describe the concept when Christians purposely betray other Christians or true Christians who expose sin and have the gall to ‘Praise God’ for it and “bat-so-ka-to-yee” (speak in tongues) thinking God has justified this action and blessed it. This justification is rationalized especially when after the ‘screwjob’ is done, somehow they receive a huge donation and now relate the ‘screwjob’ to the ‘loosening of the money’ and justify that ‘if we did not do the spiritual screwjob, then God would have still withheld this financial donation’.

Spiritual Terrorism = A term conceived by Steve and Kathy Gray of the Smithton Outpouring days after 9-11-01 to label those who disagred with their definition of ‘revewal’. This definition came after ex deacons told their story of how money was raised for a new church building in Smithton to the Christianity Today Magazine which published the story in their October, 2001 issue. However, the Grays claimed to have a vision of ‘the cloud moving’ to Kansas City and moved the ‘renewal’ to Kansas City and took the money with them. The definition came as a personal attack to both the ex members and Christianity Today magazine in the form of a two-part article entitled Spiritual Terrorism where they labelled disagreers as “Spiritual Terrorists” and told Christians that they needed to express their displeasure at Christianity Today Magazine. The article was removed days later after numerous Christian webpages including Charismanews.com exposed this apostate teaching.

… uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh = A term that is used to describe the breath between the Pentecostal pastor’s statements. For example, these pastors might say “The Lord “uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh” saith unto thee “uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh” My child “uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh”, I knowest thee who thou art “uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh” and the wilderness “uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh” you are….

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Lone Ranger = A term used to describe a Christian who lives the Christian walk alone with no fellowship and no submission to the local church and elders.

Granola Christians = A term used to describe Christians known to be ‘fruity, flaky, and nutty’ in appearance, spirituality, and mentally. …

PlentyLostals = A term used to describe people (even other Christians) who theologically believe different from the Pentecostal mindset. The term is to imply that those who think differrent from Pentecostals are ‘Lost’ and in need of salvation. One ole-time Pentecostal preacher once told me that ‘There are the true servants of God, the Pentecostals. And there are everybody else, the PlentyLostals.

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Trick of the Enemy = A term used to describe anything that happens because you didn’t do what you were supposed to, like your car getting repossessed cause you were six months behind on the payments, lights getting shut off cause you quit work to wait on God to place you in ministry by faith, etc.

Didn’t God Move = A term used to describe what saints say after a long service where the pastor doesn’t preach and they just shout the whole service.

Secular = A term used to describe any person, place, object or event that’s not under your church organization.

Carnal = A term used to describe “secular” (see definition above) actions done with people, groups, organizations, or events that is outside and not under your church organization.

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Of The Flesh = A term used to describe someone who acts alone in church. For example, someone who is shouting or speaking in tongues alone. However, if you add two more people to this display and its called….

Of God = A term used to describe when three people are doing the same thing in a church service at the same time.

Faith Check = A term used to describe a scenerio where a televangelist uses a verse like Psalms 118:8 to claim God told him that 118,800 people are supposed to give 118.80 to their ministry in order to receive the ‘hundredfold blessing’. A viewer is now torn between paying his light bill or paying 118.80 to receive the ‘hundredfold blessing’ knowing he has only 75.00 to his name. The televangelist convinces him that by giving to their ministry ‘the check of faith’ instead of the power company (or any other bill collector), that God will either miracously put the ‘hundredfold blessing’ in the bank account to cover the check and miracously rewrite the light bill as being paid and rewrite the power company’s accounting books or the ‘hundredfold blessing’ will miracously appear in a blank envelope between the other mail in the mailbox. However, the televangelist has your money, your check bounces, the lights are turned off, no money has been deposited in your bank account, and the same televangelist blames you for ‘lacking faith’ as to why you did not receive the ‘hundredfold blessing’.

Fellowship = A term used to describe when a group of Christians take over a Denny’s or other unsuspecting diner after a church service. Low tips, complaints of poor service, and loudly speaking about how others are “lost” and “damned” can be overheard while their children run around the restarunt creating havoc on other customers.

Rebuke = A term used to tell someone your version of the truth in a way that shames them and makes them feel so inferior that God doesn’t love them until they believe your version of the truth of Christ.

Spiritual = A term used to describe someone who has to say Amen, Hallelujah, Praise God, Praise Jesus, Thank You Lord, ain’t God good, or uses a Bible passage in every sentence. An example would be “Let’s get the milk Bless God. On the next aisle is the ketchup hallelujah. The Coca-Cola is on sale ain’t God good? The bread is soft praise the name of the Lord. I found the deli meat thank you Jesus” This person will also look positively mortified at such racey words as darn, gollllllly (like Gomer Pyle would say), and heck.

Dying to Self = A term used to describe the process of squelching your personality, likes, feelings, individualism, etc. in order to fulfill the personal opinions of a pastor made church theology and be a clone to the agendas of a pastor and / or the Republican party and not fulfill the true will of God.

I’m Blessed and Not Stressed = A term used to describe what every Christian is supposed to say to everyone who asks them how they are doing. Unfortunately, in many of these same Christian’s lives, life really stinks, and they have their head buried in the sand and avoid all issues that negatively impact them.

I wonder if some of you are even saved! = A term used to describe that in many churches, your assurance of salvation should not be based in your acceptance of the sacrifice that Jesus made at Calvary, but rather in adhering to every demand and personal opinion of a pastor deemed of God via “God Said”.

“You are ‘out of your place’ in the spirit” = A term used to denote when a person is not in 100% compliance to what the pastor calls ‘of God’. Yes, this would even apply to the pastor’s personal dislikes and personal opinions.

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“Rebellion” = A term used to describe any dissenting opinion that is different from the opinion of leadership.

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“funDEMENTALism” = A term used to describe a group of believers who believe that salvation only comes through the length of a skirt, uncut hair for women and 1/4 inch gap space of skin between ears / neck and hairline for men, lack of makeup, no diamond engagement ring or other jewerly, a three piece suit, driving a big luxury car, voting for Jerry Falwell’s candidates for all elections, singing old hymns instead of praise and worship choruses, no television, following the American Family Association boycott list, the educational curriculums of Bob Jones University, and Bill Gothard seminars without question, etc. along with obeying the Bible. A common trait withinn this group is to attempt to take everyone back to the 1950’s and Leave It To Beaver times.

The “three R’s” = A term used to describe the process to blessings in many Pentecostal / Charismatic churches today. Where the educational system had the three foundational “R’s” comsisting of “readin”, “ritin”, and “rithmetic”, the Pentecostal / Charismatic churches have their unwritten laws of the foundational “three R’s” known as “rebellion”, “repentance”, and ‘revival”. In most every Pentecostal / Charismatic churches, everyone has sinned therefore placing them into rebellion with God. Therefore, repentance is needed to both break ‘rebellion” and to also usher in the next big ‘revival’. After years of ‘repenting’ and no ‘revival’, these church leaders do not admit their works of legalism were wrong, instead they convince the people that “there is deeper rebellion, repent some more, then revival will come.” It’s a vicious cycle that kills self-esteem and humiliates instead of humbling. Please see the middle section of this page for a more detailed explanation.

Attack of The Enemy = A term used to describe scenerios that do not go your way. Where the term ‘trick of the enemy’ is referring to things that happen because you failed to address personal responsibilities and commitments, the ‘attack of the enemy’ refers to things that break down because of normal wear and tear or things that everyday people normally deal with, address, and resolve. Someone cuts in front of you in the grocery store line, your two year old car with 100,000 miles breaks down, the twenty year old air conditioner breaks down, the child does not understand his math homework, you are late for church because the red light is longer than you want it to be, it’s not due to mechanical wear and tear, ignorance, etc. It’s an automatic attack of the enemy on your life caused by demons who specifically hate you.

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Full of Religious Spirits = A term used to describe people who do not move into the ‘new thing’ God is supposed to be doing at the present time in Church hustory. People who do not do the ‘new thing’ but instead follow the Bible are viewed as being like the Pharisees in the New Testament who rejected Christ. Therefore, it is implied that the people deemed as having ‘religious spirits’ because they are supposedly acting like the Pharisees have denied Christ like the Pharisees did.

Cemetary = A slang term used to describe Biblical seminaries. This term was once used in a sermon by Kenneth Hagin to portray that Biblical seminaries are so intelluctually minded that they have rationalized God’s sovereignity, providence, omnipotence, and omniprescence out of the Bible. Many Pentecostals / Charismatics are generally very anti-intellectual, and view the Holy Spirit and Spiritual experiences as having more prevalence and authority than God’s Word.

Terd of Faith = A slang term used to describe the Word of Faith movement. This term is commonly used by Word of Faith counter groups because it implies that the Word of Faith movement is ‘crappy’ theology.

Feeling Led by God = A slang term used to describe stupid actions people do that is attempted to be viewed as the Lord telling these people to do the actions. For example, someone stands up to rebuke, yell at, or demean a person because that person disagrees with their particular theology or a church that tells people to walk around a nightclub once for six days straight and then sing praises as they walk around it for seven times on the seventh day shouting ‘Shout For He Has Given Us This City” for God to destroy the nightclub would claim that he or she ‘felt led by God’ to do this.

Anointing (a.k.a. “unction”) = A term used to describe a special endowment of power given by the Holy Spirit to His servants to do supernatural things. However in many Pentecostal / Charismatic circles, the majority of things deemed as ‘anointing’ is actually based on extra-Biblical experiences, scriptures grossly taken out of context, and Pentecostal traditions done because their forefathers did certain acts with successful results.

The enemy = A term used to describe and denote everyone who disagrees with you or every concept you disagree with.

Secular Humanism (pronounced ‘sheck-u-ler hume-man-izm’) = A term used to describe the U.S. Public School system because the Supreme Court took prayer out of the public schools, removed the Ten Commandments from the walls, and disallowed the Pledge of Allegiance to the flag from being recited.

Positive / Negative Confession = A term used to describe people that have to always make everything out to be positive. To admit that one lost all their possessions in a house fire would be ‘negative confession’. Instead, denial of the house fire takes place and the person will only talk of the future bigger house. To talk about bad things and suffering that happens in life is deemed negative because the church has equated talking negative about a particular event in one’s life to a negative perception of Christianity. Therefore, to maintain a positive impression of Christian, no negative things can ever be talked about and denial must be instilled until the problem can not be denied anymore and must be addressed. This concept was the brainchild of the late Norman Vincent Peale (Guideposts) and carried forth by Robert Schuller.

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High-Noon Heretic = A term used by Pentecostals to describe the concept where the Baptists and other mainline denominations are heretics because their services are over with and the church doors are locked up at noon time. According to ole-time Pentecostals who subscribe to this teaching, the mainline denominations have the formula of 10:00 AM Sunday School, 11:00 AM Church, and 12 Noon dismissal down so routine that they have quenched the move of God. It is implied that God does not move in those churches anymore because these mainline churches have placed God in a time box to only show up at church between 11:00 AM and 12 Noon to where the fried chicken dinners on the church grounds are served hot, the restraunts are not crowded, and/or the men make it home in time for the football game, Sunday nap, or NASCAR. It is also implied by Pentecostals that by having services that last after 12 Noon until 1 or 2 PM, they have allowed the Holy Spirit in their midst and God will definitely bless his Pentecostal people because they waited and tarried for Him.

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Love Offering = A term used by churches to describe the concept where a special offering is taken up above and beyond the tithe as an appreciation for either a guest speaker or a collection for a church member in dire financial need or a victim of a catastrophe that resulted in a loss of possessions. What ends up happening here is that like Pareto’s Quality Analysis theory where 20% of the different defects cause 80% of the total defects in a manufacturing process, Approximately 20% of the people donate 80% of the total amount of the love offering. Because this offering is seen as being ‘above and beyond’ the tithe (required giving), many church members do not contribute but will enjoy the guest preaching or guest musician for free.

Come On Now, Church = A term used by pastors while preaching a sermon in an attempt to get someone in the congregation to say ‘amen’ or ‘hallelujah’ when it appears that no one is either responding or really in agreement with what the pastor is preaching.

Some of You Need to Get Saved = A term used by pastors while preaching a sermon in an attempt to get the entire congregation to come in agreement with what the pastor is preaching even though the teaching could be considered legalistic or extra-Biblical. The point is not to come into alignment with what the Scriptures state, but to march in perfect agreement lock, stock, and barrell with the pastor’s personal opinions made corporate church theology. Disagreement with the pastor implies that you are not saved according to the pastor’s personal opinion.

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Messyanic = A term used to describe people who are Messianic Christians by faith who think that fredom in Christ is re-legalism back into the Old Covenant / Old Testament way of doing things when Jesus Christ’s dying on the Cross, shedding of his blood, and rising on the third day already took care of. For example, having Church on Sunday was a concept of the Babylon Whore One World Antichrist system. The days of the week and months were named after the Greek and Roman gods. Easter is really the celebration of the fertility goddess Ishtar and ‘real’ Christians can never celebrate Jesus Christ’s rising from the dead on that day especially since it is on the Sunday after the Full Moon but instead celebrate Passover. God is only pleased with worship that involves Jewish instruments, blowing shofars, and messyanic dances. Thanksgiving is not celebrated because that was a man-made holiday and not God mandated. This turned a group of Christians into a pioused, pompous, and arrogant group of people who thought by going back to the Old Covenant way of doing things made them superior Christians in God’s eyes.

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Hebonics = A term used to describe the use of Hebrew by non-Hebrew speakers in order to confuse, intimidate and seem smarter than others. Many people who subscribe to the concept of Hebonics think we have to speak hebrew. We have to say “Yeshua” instead of “Jesus”. We have to use the Hebrew calendar because the days of the week and months of the year were named after Roman and Greek gods and that the new year actually starts in September or October (Rosh Hashanah)

Do We Have Any Visitors Here This Morning… = A term used by pastors to discover who is a visitor or a regular attendee. Designed to welcome those who are visitors from a ‘seeker-sensitive’ perspective, many pastors use this term in a very devious way. When visitors are discovered, they are welcomed and the sermon is geared towards the sensitivity of the visitor. However, if no visitors are present, the sermon turns into a rebuke-fest where the congregation is rebuked throughout the sermon followed by a ‘repentance’.

The an-OINK-ing = A term used by many pastors within the Toronto Blessing circles to describe a phenomeon prevalent in many of their churches where a person would break out in ‘holy laughter’ and in the midst of this, start oinking like a pig.

Throw-up-theology = A term used to describe extreme cases in ‘deliverance’ ministries where the casting out of demons is signified by a person vomiting. The vomit is seen as the ‘sign’ that the demons have left that person.

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Musical Manipulation = A term used to describe the following scenerios that sometimes occur in a praise and worship service or a special music service. (1): The worship service is not going as vibrant as the worship leader wants and therefore, will repeat certain chrouses or certain parts of a song until someone either yells ‘hallelujah blah-tow-konda-shonda’ or comes up with a ‘prophetic word’ and gets a rise out of the congregation to be a shoutfest. (2): The serice is going so bad and the worship is dead to the point where the worship leader will change the song selection by deleting one song and inserting another song that always got the church into a shoutfest or a dancefest running around the church.

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