Here’s a story about ‘shaken baby syndrome’ from a client who has given permission to share this to perhaps help others:

She was repeatedly sexually abused – including rape – by her father from a very early age. Her father had said to her mother: I don’t love you any more, and I’d have left if we hadn’t had this baby (the youngest of three girls). So I’ll ‘love’ her instead.

The rage this provoked in my client’s mother was, of course, enormous. And how did she treat this little competitor for her husband’s affections?

Here’s my client’s story about just one aspect of her life – she almost certainly suffered from ‘shaken baby syndrome’ (and she emailed confirmation that she’s happy for me to share all this with you):

‘The indications I have suffered ‘shaken baby syndrome’ include:

MEDICAL DATA:

1. Brain frequently has ‘glitches’ – like a shot of electricity racing through it, jolts it and I lose a bit of equilibrium. Doctors consider it pre-epileptic seizure type problem. Take epileptic (Epilim type) medication to stop it going full blown. Worsens with stress and/or tiredness as with most seizures.

2. Occasional paralysis of left leg calf muscle – due to nerve damage. Broken nerve pathways from brain. (Wear leg brace when this occurs).

3. Multiple problems with spine – neck, shoulders, thorax, mid and lower back all display odd and unrelated damage. Physiotherapy/chiropractic/spas/ etc only aggravate it. Medical opinion is poor nerve messaging all the way along spine has resulted in injuries. The poor nerve messaging is thought to be BROKEN nerve pathways i.e. consistent with having been severely shaken when spine extremely soft and nerves exposed and sensitive – probably damaged when I was between 6 weeks to 3 months of age – definitely before 6 months.

4. Have no feeling in several fingers and unremitting tingling in feet – again consistent with nerve pathways having been broken when very soft and pliable.

5. All other tests (MS, Motor-Neurone Disease, etc) have been negative so there is no current disease responsible for damaged nerve messaging, leaving broken pathways as a logical reason.

6. Severe migraines from early childhood MAY also be attributed to this shaken baby syndrome. (Not known really, but makes sense to the neurologist).

7. I always, from babyhood, had bowel problems. It stopped working for 9 weeks as a young woman, then many more times it stopped working for long periods. Eventually stopped altogether and had my whole large bowel removed. It showed hardly any nerve fibres or muscle along the intestine when examined later. This may mean they were never there ie. birth defect, but is also likely that the nerves and muscles were torn by the shaking – hence would have shrivelled and died.

PHYSICAL/EMOTIONAL REACTIONS. When shouted at severely, shocked, or threatened I will go into the following state:

1. Shivering/shaking uncontrollably. I become SO COLD that I honestly feel like I am dead. Body temperature has dropped to dangerous levels when I have been like this. I can ‘hear’ screaming and loud shrieks of anger at this stage – (literally hear them as in a psychotic state). My ears literally hurt from the noise. My eyes feel like they are bulging out of my head and they literally become bloodshot. (This is consistent with severe shaking – the eyes often DO pop out and the baby dies -that explains the drop in body temperature too because I probably DID nearly die).

2. A sense of being thrown down from a great height on to a hard surface (psychiatrist thinks that after I was shaken I was probably thrown to the ground or into my cot). All my bones ACHE at this stage – I will ache from my head to my toes. No pain relief touches it. I feel like a rag doll thrown down.

3. A sense of TOTAL silence then comes upon me and I am hard to stir (my husband reports) although wide awake, eyes fixed open and ‘looking’ at a white ceiling. I ‘hear’ nothing even if he plays music etc. I feel totally alone, terrified, unable to speak, stiff – cannot move a muscle. I feel icy cold (this is consistent with being thrown on to floor or cot and then the parent (Mother) running from the room in shame and fear for what has happened – but in her rush she forgets to cover me over with a rug and I may lie in my cot uncovered for several hours until she plucks up courage to come back and check on me. (This is a very typical pattern parents in this situation do because they panic terribly).

4. A strong desire to be wrapped up in something soft (like a baby shawl), including over my head (as a tiny baby would be), and cuddled or soothed. I will also feel terribly nauseous and later hungry (having been left a long time alone without a feed). I remain SILENT. There is an absolute terror to remain silent.

5. I did not speak till I was three years old. The family decided to ignore me until I DID speak, and after a week I began to say perfectly constructed, full sentences with exact diction. I’d been an ‘elective mute’!!! Mum said it showed I was a real little monkey, but I suspect I was too afraid to speak. I was always a quiet and good child once I realized that I HAD to speak, Mum says.

ALL OF THESE REACTIONS ARE CONSISENT with current medical data about Shaken Baby Syndrome’s effects on the baby.

MOTHER’S ANECDOTAL STORY.

1. I was always a VERY quiet baby.

2. I never demanded a feed. She would find me awake often but I would never cry for a feed (as a normal baby at that age would) – just lie there and wait for someone to come to me.

3. Mother says she was very stressed by the older children when I was a baby (one a “grizzly, clingy child” mother often says – and one a demanding child who did not accept the new baby so when she was around mother tried to ignore me) and a husband who was working long and unpredictable hours plus shift work.

4. I failed to thrive. VERY tiny still at 3 years old. Never ate well, spoke very late. Always a timid child and withdrawn socially.

5. Mother also says that I was always FRIGHTENED when I was cold. She says she could never understand why, and could not console me at times when I was feeling cold. I still get very frightened if I’m cold and will always try to keep warm. It’s not so much that I don’t LIKE the cold – it actually terrifies me.

Well, that about it. Lots of stuff here, isn’t there? The ‘evidence’ seems overwhelming to me. Interesting study is now being done on adults who had severe emotional, physical trauma and inadequate diet as infants and young children. It shows that adult health is also ALWAYS very poor – so the failure to thrive may in fact last a lifetime. (Up until recently it was considered to only affect babies and children, but I have a nurse involved in this study with Sudanese people, and there is enormous evidence of lifelong health issues in these people!)

In another email my client wrote:

‘My sinfulness of wanting ultimate power over those who have hurt me i.e. to MURDER them, is pretty strong!! Just as well I don’t act out my sinful state, eh? I have even thought that spending thirty years in jail would be worth it! (I would have all the time in the world to gloat over my final victory if I was in jail!). I have of course realised that God alone is the fairest and best judge and I am very content with that – however the devil certainly has tempted me and I often will dream about doing these awful things. Interesting thought too – how the devil tempts me through my dreams. Does this happen to most people? When I wake up I have to do a lot of telling the devil to get out of my mind, mostly by quoting Scripture (which Jesus did) etc. I think this is because during the day I am strongly vigilant to nip any such thought in the bud, as I recognise the immense dangers and immediately reject any notion.’