We telemarketers know we’re universally loathed.
Still, some people are quite pleasant on the phone.
One day I called a number and asked to speak with
Mr. Morgan.
.
The woman who answered explained that he no
longer lived at that address, but she did have a number
where he could be reached.
.
I thanked her, rang that number, and was greeted with,
“Good morning, Highland View Cemetery.”
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One – Liners:

A synonym is a word you use if you can’t spell the other one.

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

Optimist: A YUGO owner

I saw Elvis. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO.

Is that seat saved? No, but we’re praying for it!

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Dew knot trussed yore spell chequer two fined awl mistakes!
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Recently we called a business phone number and heard
the following: If you are calling from a touch-tone phone,
press one now. If you are calling from a rotary phone,
hang up and call back from a touch-tone phone.
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Puns For Fun

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A backward poet writes inverse.

A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two tired.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully
recovered.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the
key.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
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I dialed a wrong number and got the following recording:
“I am not available right now, but thank you for caring
enough to call. I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return
your call, you are one of the changes.”
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Before going on vacation, I went to a tanning salon.
I was under the lights so long that the protective shades
I wore left a big white circle around each eye. Gazing
at myself in the mirror the next day, I thought,
“Man, I look like a clown.”
.
I had almost convinced myself that I was overreating until
I got in line at the grocery store. I felt a tug at my
shirt and looked down to see a toddler staring up at me.
He asked, “Are you giving out balloons?”
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If you would like to be included on my “Clean Humor”
list, send a blank email to jhmaida[at]hotmail.com with
“=Include Me=” as the subject. I do not write the jokes.
I only pass on the ones I think are funny. Laughter is
good for the immune system.
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