I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

– Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation. – Jimmy Carr

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears. – Chris Addison at the Pleasance

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs. – Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died… How must Dido be feeling? – Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance

My parents are from Glasgow which means they’re incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child … well maybe just one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.

– Susan Murray at the Underbelly

Is it fair to say that there’d be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks? – Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, ’cause they wanted me to sound like a twat.

– Susan Murray at the Underbelly

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She’ll go: “What’s my favourite flower?” And you murmur to yourself: “Oops, I wasn’t listening … Self-raising?”

– Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the most obvious one was “Shout For Help”. – Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork………. – Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax. – Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. – Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: “I’d like a job please”. The hardware store owner says: “We don’t hire dogs, why don’t you go join the circus?” The dog replies: “What would the circus want with a plumber”?

– Steven Alan Green at C34

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud “I’ve already got one!” – Norman Lovett at The Stand

It’s easy to distract fat people. It’s a piece of cake. – Chris Addison at the Pleasance

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation – but I’m not very good at it. – Arnold Brown at The Stand

If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that.

– Milton Jones at the Underbelly.