Church Dictionary :=)

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending .

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation’s range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams.

JONAH: The original “Jaws” story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn’t covered by an HMO. The Bible’s way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.

PEW:(with no padding) A medieval torture device still found in most churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of the service consisting of altar servers and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS: People who have been going to service for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

USHERS: The only people in the church who don’t know the seating capacity of a pew.