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TODAYS RIDDLE:

I am used to bat with, yet I never get a hit.
I am near a ball, yet it is never thrown.
What am I?
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Your Eyelashes.
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Two senior ladies met for the first time since
graduating from high school.

One asked the other, “You were always so
organized in school – how did you manage to
live a well planned life?”
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“Well,” said her friend. “My first marriage was
to a millionaire; my second marriage was to
an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher;
and now I’m married to an undertaker.”
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Asked the friend, “What do those marriages
have to do with a well planned life?”
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“One for the money, two for the show,
three to get ready and four to go!”
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A sign was placed at the entrance of the large
machinery plant. It said:
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“Warning to young ladies: If you wear loose clothes,
beware of the machinery. If you wear tight clothes,
beware of the machinist.”
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“How did the wedding go?” asked the preacher’s wife.
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“Just fine until I asked the bride if she would obey and
she said, ‘Do you think I’m nuts?’ and the groom said, ‘I do,’
and then things really began to happen fast.”
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Harvey’s grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one
day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock
repair shop. In the shop is a little old man who insists he
is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent. He asks Harvey,
“Vat sims to be ze problem?”
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Harvey says, “I’m not sure, but it doesn’t go
‘tick-tock-tick-tock’ anymore. Now it just goes
‘tick…tick…tick.'”
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The old man says, “Mmm-Hm!” and steps behind the counter,
where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge
flashlight and walks over the the grandfather clock. He
turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the
clocks face. Then he says in a menacing voice,
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“Ve haf vays of making you tock!”
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All Lawyers Are Jerks:
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Having many legal problems, including a divorce,
a man had become thoroughly disgusted with lawyers in general.
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One evening in a bar, the conversation got around to his pet
peeve and he started “venting.” “All lawyers are jerks,” he loudly
proclaimed.
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Another man nearby heard this, looked disturbed, and sauntered
over to him.
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“Look, I heard what you said, and I am highly offended by it.”
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“Why is that-are you a lawyer?” he asked.
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“No, I’m not; I’m a jerk!”