.
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries,
troubles and lighten your burden.
.
Boy: It’s very kind of you, darling. But I don’t have any
worries or troubles.
.
Girl: Well that’s because we aren’t married yet.
.
==========================
.
I was meeting a friend in a bar, and as I went in,
I noticed two pretty girls looking at me.
.
“Nine,” I heard one whisper as I passed. Feeling
pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy
and told him a girl had just rated me a nine out of ten.
.
“I don’t want to ruin it for you,” he said,
“But when I walked in, they were speaking German.”
.
==========================
.
When I picked up my Ford Escort at the service station
after some minor repairs, I paid by check as usual. A couple
of weeks later I came home from work to find my wife quite
upset. She gave me the silent treatment until I figured out
why she was so angry. She had noticed the canceled check,
and on the memo line I had written “Escort Service.”
.
==========================
.
My childhood was rough. Once for my birthday my old man
gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.
~ Rodney Dangerfield
.
My son complains all the time about headaches. I tell him
all the time, “when you get out of bed, it’s feet first!”
~ Henry Yougman
.
When I was a baby, my father used to throw me up in the
air and then… answer the phone.
~ Rita Rudner
.
==========================
.
A motorist had a flat tire in front of an insane asylum.
He took the wheel off, but when he stood up he tipped over
the hubcap containing the bolts, spilling them all down a
sewer drain.
.
A patient, looking through the fence, suggested that the man
take one bolt from the remaining three wheels to hold the
fourth wheel in place until he could get to a service station.
.
The motorist thanked him profusely and said, “I don’t know
why you’re in there!”
.
The patient said, “I’m in here for being crazy, not for being stupid.”
.
==========================
.
A tired traveler pulls into a hotel around midnight. Very tired after
a long day’s trip he asks the clerk for a single room.
.
As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and
sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk
to wait while he disappears into the lobby.
.
After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm.
“Fancy meeting my wife here,” he says to the clerk. “Guess I’ll
need a double room for the night.”
.

Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount
to be over $3000.
.
“What’s the meaning of this?” he yells at the clerk. “I’ve only
been here one night!”
.
“Yes,” says the clerk, “but your wife has been here for three weeks.”