🙂 TOP TEN SIGNS THE USHERS AT YOUR CHURCH HAVE GONE THROUGH CUSTOMER SERVICE TRAINING

By Dave Tippett

10. Now giving out pagers to alert you when a pew becomes available

9. No more “spiritual profiling” of visitors

8. Offering wider variety of communion wafer toppings

7. Turns the Tazer voltage WAY down now when zapping someone sleeping during sermon

6. Will wipe down pew seat for you and not expect a tip

5. Goo-Goo Gaa-Gaa Squad created for crying-baby-crisis

4. Quick-response Communion Cup Disinfection Team for slobberers

3. During lulls in worship service, pushes service cart down aisle, offering beverages and peanuts

2. No longer singing parody lyrics under their breath to modern praise and worship songs

1. Two words: Pew massages

Copyright 2005 Dave Tippett. Permission is granted to send this to others, with attribution, but not for commercial purposes.