TODAYS RIDDLE :

What popular actor’s first and last names are the same
as the last names of two U.S. presidents?
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Harrison Ford.
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GROUNDS FOR DIVORCE?

A woman goes into her lawyers office requesting a
divorce. He is taking all of her background
information and asks her, “Do you have grounds
for a divorce?”

To which she replies, “Well, we have three acres.”

“No, ma’am. What I mean is, does he beat you
up?” asks the attorney.

“No, I get up around 6:30 and he sleeps until
7:00,” she responds.

Feeling a little frustrated the attorney asks, “Lady,
tell me, do you have a grudge?”

Looking very confident she states, “No, we have
a carport.”

At this point the lawyer has lost his patience and
asks, “Look, Lady. Why the heck do you want
a divorce?”

“Because ‘he’ can’t hold an intelligent conversation!”
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Fast Weight Loss Diet :
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Have you heard about the new system for weight control?
The one that’s just crossed the Pacific from Asia?
Reportedly, it works great, and is really easy, too.
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All you have to do is remember that, while you can eat anything
you want, you always use just one chopstick. (Not Sharpened)
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The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.
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“Yes,” he said. “I do. My father taught me.”
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“Good. What comes after three.”
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“Four,” answers the boy.
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“What comes after six?”
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“Seven.”
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“Very good,” says the teacher. “Your dad did a good job.
What comes after ten?”
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“A jack,” says the kid.
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For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled
from his rural town to the city to attend a movie.
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After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession
stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant
$1.50, he couldn’t help but comment,
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“The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was
only 15 cents.”
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“Well, sir,” the attendant replied with a grin, “You’re
really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now!!”
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A conductor was having a lot of trouble with one
drummer. He constantly gave this guy personal attention
and much advice, but his performance simply didn’t
improve. Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said,
“When a musician just can’t handle his instrument and
doesn’t improve when given help, they take away the
instrument, give him two sticks, and make him a drummer.”
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A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section,
“And if he can’t handle even that, they take away one
of his sticks and make him a conductor.”

If you would like to be included on my “Clean Humor”
list, send a blank email to jhmaida[at]hotmail.com with
“=Include Me=” as the subject. I do not write the jokes.
I only pass on the ones I think are funny. Laughter is
good for the immune system.
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