A collection of classics…

[1] Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, “Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.” – Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter).

[2] I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: “No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.” – Eleanor Roosevelt.

[3] Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. – Mark Twain.

[4] The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. – George Burns.

[5] Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. – Victor Borge.

[6] Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. – Mark Twain.

[7] What would men be without women? Scarce, sir.mighty scarce. – Mark Twain.

[8] By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. – Socrates.

[9] I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. – Groucho Marx.

[10] My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.- Jimmy Durante.

[11] The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. – Jilly Cooper.

[12] I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. – Zsa ZsaGabor.

[13] Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. – Alex Levine.

[14] Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. – Mark Twain.

[15] My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. -Ed Furgol

[16] Money can’t buy you happiness . . . but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. – Spike Milligan.

[17] What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money. – Henny Youngman.

[18] I am opposed to millionaires . .but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. – Mark Twain.

[19] Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up. – Joe Namath.

[20] Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. – Herbert Henry Asquith.

[21] I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap. – Bob Hope.

[22] I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. – WC Fields

[23] We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. – Will Rogers.

[24] Don’t worry about avoiding temptation . . . as you grow older, it will avoid you. – W. Churchill.

[25] Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty . ..but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. – Phyllis Diller.

[26] The cardiologist’s diet: If it tastes good, spit it out. – Unknown.

[27] By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. – Billy Crystal

And the last is a quote from Sir Winston Churchill:

A woman says to him, “if I were married to you, I would poison your coffee” and he replies, “if you were my wife, I’d drink it”.