BEST [actual] HEADLINES


Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says [No, really?]
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers [Now that’s taking things a bit far!]


Miners Refuse to Work after Death [No-good-for-nothing’ lazy so-and-so!]


Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant [See if that works any better than a fair trial!]


War Dims Hope for Peace [I can see where it might have that effect!]


If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile [You think?]


Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures [Who would have thought!]
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide [They may be on to something!]


Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges [You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?]


Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge [he probably IS the battery charge!]


New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group [Weren’t they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft [That’s what he gets for eating those beans!]


Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half [Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]


Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors [Boy, are they tall!]


And the winner is….


Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead