TODAYS RIDDLE :

Fill in the sentence below so that the first two words combine to make the third word. For example, given “The prime minister ____ the meeting, even though the ____ was technically the ____ official,” you would fill in RAN, KING, and RANKING.

If there is not enough light to ____, ____ ____ the lamp.

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Scroll down for the answer

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Here it comes

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If there is not enough light to READ, JUST READJUST the lamp.

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Golf Joke :

It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Murray was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker – “Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee back up to the men’s tee, please!”

Murray was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.

Again the announcement – “Would the MAN on the WOMEN’S tee kindly back up to the men’s tee!”

Murray had had enough. He breaks his stance, lowers his driver back to the ground and shouts, “Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot?”

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One-Liners :

If at first you don’t succeed you are running about average.

Help a man when he’s in trouble and he will remember you the next time he’s in trouble.

Never wave to your friends at an auction.

Life is like a box of chocolates – it disappears before you get your share.

I’ve still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

I’m getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.

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Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking. Their conversation drifted from sports to cooking.

“I got a cookbook once,” said the first, “but I could never do anything with it.”

“Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?” asked the second.

“You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way, ‘Take a clean dish and…'”

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Quotes & Quips :

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it. –Franklin P. Jones

Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now, blue-green meat, that’s REALLY BAD for you. –Tommy Smothers

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. –Henny Youngman

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. –Jay Leno

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose. –Darrin Weinberg

Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life in which you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. –Fran Lebowitz

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. –H.L. Mencken

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A husband was in BIG trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. “Tomorrow,” his wife angrily told him, “there had better be something in our driveway that goes from zero to 200 in two seconds flat!” The husband thought and thought, and as he was watching his favorite show, an ad jumped out at him.” That’s it!” he exclaimed to himself as he rushed out the door to get the present. The next morning, the wife looked outside and saw a small package in the driveway. She brought it inside, opened it and found a brand new set of bathroom scales.

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How to avoid long lines and traffic jambs when shopping :

http://www.ishopint.com/mall.asp?ID=shoponline

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