Some questions

Here are a few things to think about that you probably have never thought about and will never think about again;

= OK, let’s think about them for a moment…

Can you cry under water?

= Yes, because you can still generate water from your tear ducts.

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

= There’s no hard-and-fast distinction, but as a general rule it’s considered assasination when a person is killed for political reasons rather than out of anger or personal animosity.

Why do you have to “put your two cents in”.. . but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?

= Two cents are worth about a penny, at current USD/GBP rates.

Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

= Not unless you have a really weird theology.

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

= Because square boxes are easier to make.

What disease did cured ham actually have?

= Nothing. “Cured” means “preserved”. If a person is cured of a disease, their life is preserved. If meat is cured, it is preserved from going off. Same word, same root, same principle. You don’t need to be ill to be preserved.

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

= Because a) it wasn’t until after we put people on the moon that other people got too lazy to carry their luggage, and b) people started taking ridiculously large amounts of stuff with them when travelling.

Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?

= Because babies can sleep anywhere, anytime, and it’s that ability which is being referred to. Anyway, only very small babies wake every two hours – after a couple of months, most of the sleep throguh the night and sleep longer than adults.

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

= Yes, because he isn’t the one doing the listening.

Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?

= For the same reason that you are ON screen and IN a TV programme. You are in the content and on the medium.

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

= Because you see them from a different angle and it looks interesting.

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.

= Do doctors leave the room? Mine never do. But sometimes people feel more uncomfortable getting undressed than being undressed – and you might not want them to see your underwear 🙂

Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural

= You’re counting holes, not contents.

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

= Some people do like their toast well done. And you can use that setting to toast bread from frozen, which is very handy.

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

= Same reason there’s a song about anything – someone decided to write it.

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

= All the hearses Ive ever seen have carried at least two living people as well as the corpse, so the answer is “yes”.

If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

= Because it’s fiction. Things don’t have to make sense in fiction.

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!

= Because it’s fiction. Things don’t have to make sense in fiction.

If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?

= Because it’s fiction. Things don’t have to make sense in fiction.

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

= Whatever hand cream, body lotion and toilet paper are made from.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

= It might, in a universe where protocols come from protons.

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

= They can if you want.

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

= I didn’t.

Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your behind?

If asteroids were called arseteroids, this joke might be funny.

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

= No.

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

= I didn’t.