From a netfriend (=)

Some questions

Here are a few things to think about that you probably have never thought about and will never think about again;

Can you cry under water?

= Yes.

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

= Hold political office or lead an identifiable movement having nothing whatever to do with bowels.

Why do you have to “put your two cents in”.. . but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?

= My retirement to my very own Pacific Island paradise. And I want to thank you one and all. I thank you; my wife thanks you, my son thanks you, and my dog thanks you.. .and never end a sentence with a preposition! My one cent.

Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

= No, especially if you were cremated. Briquets don’t need a lot of clothes.

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

= Because pizzas like square boxes. Whadaya gona do?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

= Trichinellosis, but don’t tell the Eggs Benedict.

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

= Sorry, question assumes facts not in evidence; i.e., that wheels on luggage is a good idea. I think they put them there just so that when they break you have to buy new luggage. Designed obselescence; that’s all they are.

Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?

= Ever try waking a baby up in the middle of those two hours?

=I’ve got a question, and this is serious! Why is it that you can’t back down the driveway without the kid going comatose in the carseat? And since this seems to be genetic with kids, why don’t carseats come with some sort of restraining device so that their little necks don’t bend over like that? I swear, if they weren’t 90% cartilege instead of bone, there wouldn’t be one of them who’d ever survive to Grandma’s house.

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

= No. That term has now been removed from American jurisprudence as discriminatory, and a violation of….well….well we don’t really have a name we can call them, because that would be discriminatory; but it would be a violation of their (you know who we mean) civil rights and the 14th Amendment of the US Constitution. Besides, it’s just notniceness.

Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?

= Because TV is addictive?

= Because when you’re on TV, your image is being carried “on” a carrier signal, and when you’re in a movie, your image is “in” a developed, photo-sensitive emulsion. What did I win, Mr. Barker….Bob….may I call you Bob, Bob? Btw, what do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in a swimming pool?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

= Holes one can throw money down are irresistable to us American tourists. They don’t even have to be empty holes, although we like those the best. A functioning set of binoculars is really marketing overkill. All that’s really necessary is the slot that says “Fifty cents”.

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.

= Only if he brings a lot of help, at least one handgun, and supplies for two days.

Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural

= A car’s only got one bumper. You, on the other hand, have two legs. I’m assuming.

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

= Dog lobby. It’s become very powerful since it changed political strategy, and began riding the coattails of the global warming lobby. They’re expecting the next category 5 to put an additional 50,000 toasters that don’t work properly on the shelves, resulting in a 37.6% increase in consumed canine carbs.

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

= It’s, “…and I don’t care”, not, “…and no one cares”. Sheesh! Stupid song?! I’m thinkin’ projection here. Whadda ya’ all think?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

= That’s a big ten-four good buddy, and I’ll see you on the flip side. I’m eastward bound and down.

If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

= Idiot Savant? Just spitballing here.

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!

= Pluto knows he’s a dog. Goofy knows nothing.

If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?

= Because restaurants don’t serve coyotes. Man, what a STUPID question! It’s right there on the door as you go in!!

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

= Same thing future Parkinson’s disease cures are supposed to be made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

No. Morality comes for God. I’m not sure what morons make, but they live in Morroco…I think.

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

= Did when I competed on American Idol.

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

= I intend to go back…and this time I’m going to WIN. You can’t get anywhere in showbiz if you don’t put in the work.

Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your behind?

= I’m getting pretty darned sick and tired of your pain in the ass questions. (I’m going to resist asking about the “hemisphere” and the asteroid. I’m just not even going to bring it up. Nope, not me. Not a single word about it; not one…complete and utter silence….zip….zilch….nada…couldn’t drag it out of me with a team of horses…

= Hey, what do you mean by hemisphere?

= To paraphrase a man wise in the ways of the world, “The only thing I can’t resist is temptation”.

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

No. Try a new mouthwash. If an animal that generally finds excrement an olfactory delight, finds your breath offensive, that’s what we call a “warning sign” something’s not quite right in the ol’ mouth..

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

Every waking moment.