A New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name.

“Well,” said the would-be-cattleman. “I wanted to call it the Bar-J. My wife favored the Suzy-Q. One son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we’re calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y.”

“But where are all your cattle?”

“So far, none have survived the branding.”

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One Liners :

In marriage a warm heart seldom compensates for cold hands.

Never mistake asthma for passion.

A likeness of news anchor Connie made from durable wood might be named “Chung in Teak.”

Take the bull by the horns, and the result will be a toss-up.

If I write a story about my car, would it be an autobiography?

Be careful about health books. You may die of a misprint. –Mark Twain

“I tell ya, I get no respect from anyone! I bought a cemetery plot. The salesman said, ‘There goes the neighborhood!'” –Rodney Dangerfield

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A little boy was in a relative’s wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride’s side and groom’s side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar… So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.

The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.

When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, “I was being the Ring Bear….”

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How does Janice like being pregnant?” Bob asked his friend John.

“Oh, she’s not pregnant,” John replied, “she’s expecting.”

“What’s the difference?” Bob pressed.

“Well, John explained, “She’s expecting me to cook dinner, she’s expecting me to do the housework, she’s expecting me to rub her feet . . .”

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A man once told his son that if he wanted to live a long life the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his cornflakes every morning. The son did this religiously, and lived to be 93.

When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

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http://www.gift4grandchildren.com

My Shopping Mall :

http://www.ishopint.com/mall.asp?ID=shoponline

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If you would like to be included on my “clean humor” list, send a blank email to jhmaida[at]hotmail.com with “=Include Me=” as the Subject. I do not write the jokes. I only pass on the ones I think are funny. Laughter is good for the immune system.

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