Five mornings a week, my husband goes to the health club, gets on the stair-stepper, sets the timer, and buries his nose in a book. Recently,he noticed an amazingly fit middle-aged woman who seemed to run circles around everyone, took few breaks, and rarely even broke a sweat.
“It’s not fair,” he complained. “By the time I’m dragging myself off to the showers, she’s hopping back onto the stepper for yet *another*session!”
One day he came home with a sheepish grin. . “Well,” he said, “I just found out — they’re identical twins.”
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One-Liners :
Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses.
Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.
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Dear Abby,
I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can’t afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions? Sam
Dear Sam, Yes. Run for public office.
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A man entered a stationery store and asked the clerk for a ‘birthday/anniversary card.’
The clerk replied, ‘We have birthday cards and we have anniversary cards. Why not take one of each?’
The man said, ‘You don’t understand. I need a card that covers both events. You see, we’re celebrating the fifth anniversary of my wife’s thirty-fourth birthday.’
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My family has a tradition of naming the cruise control on our cars. We were used to hearing my father proclaim, “Take it, Max,” as he flipped on the cruise control during long trips in our station wagon. Recently, I was traveling with my parents in their new car when we hit a wide-open expanse of highway. My dad leaned back and said, “I think I’ll let Tom drive for a while.”
“Tom who?” I asked.
My mother translated for me: “Tom Cruise, of course.”
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When a man met his friend on the street one day, he noticed that he had a terrible cold. He asked him if he had seen a doctor about it and his friend said, “No, but I probably should. Do you know a good doctor?” The man gave his friend the name of his own doctor and assured him that he would be in good hands.
About a week later, they met again and the man wasn’t sure if his friend’s cold was really better. So, he asked him, “Did you see my doctor?”
“Oh, yeah,” his friend said. “He was a really nice guy.”
The man asked, “Did he give you something to help your cold?”
“Sure did,” his friend answered, somewhat enthusiastically. “He told me to drink a big glass of fresh orange juice after a hot bath.”
The man asked, “Well, did it help?”
And his friend said, “I don’t really know, I haven’t finished drinking the bath yet.”
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If you would like to be included on my “clean humor” list, send a blank email to jhmaida[at]hotmail.com with “=Include Me=” as the Subject. I do not write the jokes. I only pass on the ones I think are funny. Laughter is good for the immune system.
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