A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of shoes, size 8. The obviously well trained salesman says, “But sir, you take an 11 or eleven-and-a-half.” “Just bring me a size eight.”

The sales guy brings them and the man stuffs his feet into them and stands up in obvious pain. He turns to the salesman and says, “I’ve lost my house to the I.R.S., I live with my mother-in-law, my daughter ran off with my best friend, my business has filed Chapter 7, and my son just told me he was going to become an artist.

The only pleasure I have left is to come home at night and take these shoes off.”

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One Liners :

An oral contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous!

The shortest distance between two points is how far apart they are.

Grammar has gots to be one of the most importantest things ever!

I am becoming increasingly worried that there isn’t enough anxiety in my life.

I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid.

Always remember you’re unique….just like everyone else.

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A student at our high school a few years back, having had his fill with drawing graph after graph in senior high math class, told his teacher,

“I’ll do algebra, I’ll do trig, and I’ll even do statistics, but graphing is where I draw the line.”

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Super Smart Labels :

Warning label on a drum of industrial-strength detergent: “If you cannot read English, do not use this product until label has been explained to you.”

Posted near a film drop in a Charlotte, N.C., K-Mart: “Allow an extra day for overnight service.”

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An evangelist had a great revival camp going. One night he was up in front of a large audience, speaking on imperfection. He asked his audience towards the end, “Has anyone ever known anyone who has come CLOSE to the perfection of our lord, Jesus Christ?” Nobody, of course raised their hand. So he issued the question again. “Anybody! Has ANYONE ever known that kind of perfection?”

Finally a guy in the back raised his hand, so of course he was asked to stand up. “Tell us. Tell us who you knew who was so close to perfection.”

The man responded, “My wife’s first husband.”

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If you would like to be included on my “clean humor” list, send a blank email to jhmaida[at]hotmail.com with “=Include Me=” as the Subject. I do not write the jokes. I only pass on the ones I think are funny. Laughter is good for the immune system.

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